Random Thoughts of me

I’m the type to prove you wrong
Change your mind about all those crazy beliefs you have created
I’m not like anyone you have ever met or ever will meet!
I believe in the value of friendship and all it entails
I believe in being there for people you care about
I believe in actions because words fade
I am a cycle of emotions because I feel my emotions
I have learned that hiding they way you feel about things be it good or bad becomes heavy on the soul!
I speak my mind I have opinions maybe too many at times
But no one can ever say I am fake
I don’t need anyone…ANYONE!
If you are in my life I choose for you to be there!
Sometimes I forget the strength of my own will because just when I think I am done, something in me pushes me to be better than I was better!
I am human I make a million mistakes a day and as hard as it may be I can admit my wrongs and try to right them the best I can!
I rather be home reading a book then running the streets looking for trouble!
I rather get together with friends and bullshit then go club hopping!
Stages of life change!
I like being alone sometimes to clear my mind and get my thoughts and plans together
Yet sometimes I like being around people I care about because they help me reenergize!
I am tired of being compared to everyone else because I am not everyone else I AM ME!
I am true to whatever I believe in whatever I care about
I am loyal to a fault!
I become a wounded caged tiger when hurt, I lash out and push everyone away! Because when I care, it’s not a half ass gesture or feeling!
I am either all in or all out!
Relationships of all types are sacred to me!
And because we are human (some more than others) some actions and words hurt.
I have no problem cutting people completely out of my life, if the pain and hurt is just too much!
Because at the end of the day no one protects me better than me!
But I can guarantee you that while you try, try!
I will always put my best foot forward and those moment I don’t, I will be the first to admit it!
I will care as much as I can even when I say I don’t, because sometimes its easier to pretend you don’t.
I can guarantee I will always be a friend even when you are not!

Wall

Wall built so high
High as a tower gracing the clouds
Tower with carved stones

trust, loyalty,love, friendship, weakness, strength

Words that marked each stone
And not once repeated
Almost like poetry on simple scratches

Guilt, pressure, innocence, pain, greed, rage

Mere letters that designed this wall
Built with every curve and every angle
Enriched with the meaning of each stone

Pleasure, fear, happy, delusion, confusion, resistance

And up and up the wall continues to go
People surround the walls as it continues to climb
Climb so high it almost touches the skies

Dream, doubt, force, care, pity, sadness

Iagos that stare in amazement
Corrupting the view
Tainting the moment with their poisonous thoughts

Shame, lonely, full, ecstatic, powerful, hopeful

Circular wall built with no entrance
Up above the world so high
Away from the bickering words and scolding eyes

Amusing, jolly, lonely, free, sinful, pure

A magical wall that many misunderstood
But felt the need to criticize, to devour, to destroy
scratching, marking, chipping, denting
But the wall does not come down,
It may never come down

Ramblings-Children and parents

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLIAN TO ME WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU GAIN FROM NOT ALLOWING OR PERMITTING YOUR CHILDREN TO SPEND TIME OR EVEN TALK TO THEIR FATHER? WHO DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU ARE HURTING? YOU CLAIM YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR CHILD AND THEN IN TURN HURT THEM. YES THAT’S THE ONE YOU ARE HURTING!!! THE CHILD HAS NO FAULT OF WHO THEIR PARENTS ARE THAT CHOICE WAS MADE BY YOU!!!
OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS I HAVE HEARD ONE TOO MANY STORIES ABOUT CUSTODY AND VISITATION RIGHTS BETWEEN PARENTS.

BEING THE PRODUCT OF A TUG OF WAR BETWEEN PARENTS, I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS…..GROW UP!!!! IF YOU CHOSE NOT TO BE TOGETHER FOR WHATEVER REASON, NO MATTER IF THEIR WAS FAULT OR NOT…GET OVER IT!!! LEARN HOW TO WORK TOGETHER TO PROVIDE YOUR CHILD (BECAUSE IT IS YOUR CHILD AND YOUR RESPONSIBILITY) WITH ALL THAT THEY NEED.

YOUR MAIN CONCERN SHOULD BE PROVIDING ALL THE NECESSITIES FOR YOUR CHILD TO BE HEALTHY AND EDUCATED AND A DECENT HUMAN BEING!!
CHILDREN ARE VERY PERSCEPTIVE TO WHAT GOES ON AROUND THEM! SO BEFORE THE BICKERING AND THE FIGHTING BEGINS…STOP!!!!

CHILDREN ARE NOT PAWNS!!! STOP USING THEM AS SUCH!!!

BEING A SINGLE PARENT IS HARDWORK! BUT I AM GRATEFUL FOR MY MOTHER WHO DID TWICE THE WORK TO MAKE SURE WE WERE TAKEN CARE OF. AS AN ADULT I CAN NOW APPRECIATE ALL SHE DID FOR MY SISTERS AND I.

Random thoughts-Being a lady

I was raised by a single mother who had to work hard to take care of my sisters and I
But she would always “complain” about how easier it would be if a man was around and somehow my sister(s) and I developed this sense of independence, of no we got it we don’t need anybody that doesn’t want to be here…we handled the finances and the building (my sister did a lot of hammering and screwing and measuring) and carrying heavy items and defending and protecting and hiding when it hurt the most because we could take care of ourselves and help mami.
The strength and independence that it all created also hindered us.
I am a feminist…or am I?
I use to believe that men and women were equal, the reality is that no we are not! We will never be! No matter how strong how smart how independent!
Lol it took a long time for me to accept that!
I remember being 18 and wanting to join the military and wanting to be the next G.I.Jane! I wish I could have a convo with Casilda version 18, the things I would tell her.
It’s great being an independent female who can take care of herself but when all you know is “I got it” it’s hard to open up to people and let them see more than the superficial “your being a girl” moments because it’s deeper than the he said she said because you know damn well that you have to take care of business with tear stricken cheeks, ruby red lips and pretty pretty heels on.
I understand my mother now.
She wasn’t “complaining” about getting things done.
She was complaining of having a man by her side who handled his.
A man doesn’t need to fix things or make it all better, it’s about having someone on your side that when the world says you can’t, he can just you got this. Nothing more nothing less. Because you do!
It’s allowing a man to be a man!
To protect his even though he knows damn well you can protect yourself but won’t let you!
Cause he knows he needs someone to have his back just as much as you do!
And no it’s not about being needy because realistically can we all live on, on our own absolutely!
You can pay someone to put your AC up on the window or build you some shelves or check your car for you or you can do all by yourself or vent with friends but there is nothing like having someone you truly open up to into those dark little corners that your too scared to share with the world and you know that even when they are disappointed, they are going to be right by your side.
Oh Sweetheart let a man treat you like a lady and treat you…to dinner to ice cream to a flower! You deserve it because you are a lady!!!
I would be a millionaire for all the times I heard, “when a man gives you something he expects something” lol
Already filling a young brain with doubts and deceit!
A man will only go as far as you let him! And yes there are many exceptions to the rule but why treat men like a pack? Do we expect to get treated the same as the rest?
While always waiting for the next shoe to drop, eventually it will!
So while being independent and strong and carefree, one must also be a lady …carry yourself as such!
I am not saying that lipsticks and nail polishes would be your new found passion, love what you do whatever it is you do be pretty in pink or in a hoodie and sweatpants but be vulnerable and caring and open while being strong and smart and independent!

Confusion

Hmmmmm
Meditating in words and sounds
Eyes closed to the busy fuss around me
Concentrating on the living and breathing

Hmmmmm
Constant replay of words said
Constant recap of what happened long ago
Reminiscing on those long gone

Hmmmmm
This contradictory brain of mine
Every time I move forward
Its trickery brings me back

Hmmmmmm
Focus on the positive
Leave the negative
Plan the future

Hmmmmmmm
My world is spinning out of control
Filled with confusing metaphors and
Invigorating sounds

Hmmmmmm
It can all be so distracting
Pushing and pulling from that which u want
Questioning your path

Hmmmmmmm
Sitting still to regain focus
Closing your eyes to the many distractions
Envisioning the work the dream the life

Hmmmmmm
Regaining control
Maintaining focus
Burying doubts

Midnight Ramblings- Miss

Miss
the happy in a moment
The peace in a song
The truth in words
The excitement in hello
The sadness in goodbye
The pleasure of laughing

Missing is not something u think about
It’s something u just know deep inside of u
It’s a secret place that u and ur thoughts share

Miss
The words that come so easy
The nomad feeling of belonging
The time when time was not a question
The carefree shield of my emotions
The blank slate of my soul
The pure essence of my heart

Memory filled senses that constantly surround u
Places, voices, feelings long gone but still leave a shadow
Shadows that surface every now and then

Late Night Ramblings-settling

What does it mean to settle?
Some say it means to appease to accept to come to rest
I think it’s being cowardly!
Settling means giving up on what you believe what you desire
Settling means put all others before yourself
And while it’s admirable it’s also cowardly
Because being miserable and disgruntled is not living
I rather compromise than settle
Find a middle ground that works for everyone including myself
People constantly settle with jobs, education, self reflection, relationships
In order to make someone else happy, one must be happy with oneself
Of course we have our moments of regret and self pity and questioning but they are moments,
Moments that fade away
Because one must rise above and be the best that you can possibly be all around
Settling doesn’t allow you to grow as an individual and doesn’t allow you to see the true potential of your persona of what you have to offer
It’s not a matter of being perfect or being what everybody else wants you to be
If pleasing the world would be our roles, crazy is what we would all be constantly changing and contradicting ourselves
Compromising our dreams our reality and pushing forward each and every day, that’s where I will settle