Late Night Thoughts-Fear

Fear is a powerful thing
It can motivate you to move forward
Or hold you back from all the wonderful things you can imagine but somehow can’t accept into reality
Fear of the unknown
Fear of the reality

We get used to so much pain
We get used to living without
We get used to living with the bare essentials

Suddenly all the hard work all the hustle and bustle all the rights and wrongs
Lead you to the one place where you always imagined to be
And yet the one thing that holds you back, has you running in circles
Is fear!!!

Midnight Ramblings-symphonies

Everybody sings
Everybody acts
Everybody wears Gucci and Prada
Everybody wants to be somebody
They loose themselves in idea of recreating themselves
And in creating and recreating
They become clones of their surroundings
Same talk same walk
Same clothes same thought
Machines in a warfare of one
Constantly weighing themselves on values of another
Never knowing what their true worth could possibly be
This is not a one note musical
This is a symphony
With all it’s highs and lows
Pauses and crescendos
All in one

I love you!

Maybe I am a little jaded but I have a huge pet peeve …people that say I love you like it’s nothing!
Some people say I love you so lightly like it doesn’t mean anything.
And yes there are two types of love: one in which you can have love for someone and say I love you or two when your in love with someone and guess what you say I love you as well.
But recently it’s become a fad a trend where everyone loves each other where the word love has no meaning holds no weight. People forget the implications of what loving someone means what it entails. Some people say I love you in order to get things from other people.

Call me jaded but I rarely say I love you! There are a rare and few that have ever heard I love you from me because for me to say it I have to mean it.

Words hold weight and the word love holds the most weight. It can change everything in someone’s life, it can give purpose and meaning. But if the word has no value it can destroy and again change someone’s life.

It’s true we don’t decide who we love and why we love them, it just happens.
And when you do sharing with the one you love that you love them is wonderful but it’s even more wonderful if it’s reciprocated.
Some people are in love with the idea of love and throw the word love around so carelessly.
I believe that once you love someone you always love them no matter the hurt and the pain. On the contrary because there was once this immense love all that is left is room for the hurt and pain. I believe love changes, hence the reason why the love keeps on.
Love varies. There is a love for family and a love for friend. Then there is this ever consuming love for another human being that fills your every fiber your very being where you give yourself unconditionally and free. You give yourself innocently once and if your lucky that’s enough but for most of us with that innocence with that blind faith comes heartache and you learn that love is more than just a word that you throw around, it’s more than 4 letters.
The speaking of love, the acting of loving someone is something that is passionate contradiction because your a prisoner to it but are free to with it as you wish but with those choices you must keep in mind the person that you love that when you acknowledged you loved them you were to show them love.
It drives me crazy when people use the phrase I love you so carelessly and so freely! Then again maybe I am a little scarred and hold my love close to my chest because my love is mine and mine alone to give!

No one like me!

I am not a secret
To be kept between 4 walls
I am not a fantasy
To be shared in the wee of the night

I don’t need protecting
I don’t no one to provide for me

I need a friend
That will care for me
I need a partner
That will be proud to call me his own

Then again I don’t need a thing
I don’t need to prove myself
To anyone but me

Life may have rolled me a few punches
That have sharpened my edges
Put pressure to make me more than a mere rock
I have learned many lessons
Cried many tears
And it’s about that time
Where the dust settles
And I see the precious diamond
I was meant to be

So the only need I have
Is for you to value me
Because believe me
There is no other like me

MidnightRambling-Blast from the Past

Nights like tonight,
Where my past seems to be in every step I take
Where faces that were so long ago
Suddenly appear out of the blue
Full of questions and pleasantries,
I remember to take a deep breath
And I am forced to rapidly relive hurtful moments splashed with tid bits of happy
I am forced to fake a smile
While my mind races
Because no one knows the dark corners of hell I once visited
The shattered pieces that I tried to put together,
But the pieces that never fit like it once did
Because even though my name remains my name and my face remains my face,
I am not who I was a lifetime ago
Innocence no longer exists
Walls were built and fortified
But within the seconds that seem a lifetime
I manage a hello and good bye…
No more words than that
Because finally the scars created by the bullshit and lies have slowly been healing,
And in a million lifetimes going backwards is not an option!
Because the same person that you “say” you miss
I miss as well but she doesn’t exist anymore!
I am not her!
Good Bye!

One of my favorites and advise to a young lady

After having a conversation with a young lady today and reminding that she does not need to conform to what people want her to be, that she must always be herself, I thought about this poem and had her read it out loud.
I told her to embrace all her “imperfections” because they are imperfectly perfect.
She asked if I truly believed that? I told her whenever I don’t I read this poem.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Late night reflections

In order to be grateful for what we have, sometimes we have to take a step back and look back and see how far you have come.
I guess today was my day!
Life has not been the easiest and yes they could have been worst but for the bads that we had they left their bruises and scars. And sometimes we don’t realize what they are because what becomes normal is not really normal but just a way to survive!
Boy have I survived!
I have lived thru things that if you didn’t experience with me, you won’t know about it because I refuse to talk about them. Things that have made me a but rougher a bit tougher very much the survivor the fighter and while at times there is no hope, full of hopes and dreams not just for myself but everyone around me.
I realize that as jaded as I am, I have never lost the idea that everyone has something good in them, that everyone deserves a chance because God knows if I would have been judged based on some actions, I would have never had a chance to grow as a human being as an individual!
Despite the insecurities despite the abuse despite the darkest days, some how some way I have always managed to if needed crawl my way to picking myself up and attempting to build for myself.
Experience taught me at an early age to fend for myself in every way possible! Anything and everything I want I have to work for because nothing is given for free.
I have never expected hand downs or gifts!
I am loyal to a fault at times!
It’s not about those around me, it’s about me and what I perceive as right or wrong or what my spirit allows to receive.
Despite so many examples of hate and indifference that were embedded in me from very early on, I believe that love can make a difference! The love of self the love for others the love for your community the love for those to come after you the love for those before you the infinite love.
So all my life I wanted to make a difference like all those that made a difference in mine, that touched my life even if just for a second and changed something in me.
From the teacher that introduced me to the endless world of books to my first love and all the heartaches.
Today I realize that I have gone down dark holes and have come out alive, out of sheer determination and will.
I have learned very important life lessons.
But most importantly I have learned to forgive myself for all the ups and downs that I have allowed myself to get into.
Human I am and I will continue to make mistakes but I will continue to grow, always trying to be a better me than I was yesterday!