Random thoughts-Being a lady

I was raised by a single mother who had to work hard to take care of my sisters and I
But she would always “complain” about how easier it would be if a man was around and somehow my sister(s) and I developed this sense of independence, of no we got it we don’t need anybody that doesn’t want to be here…we handled the finances and the building (my sister did a lot of hammering and screwing and measuring) and carrying heavy items and defending and protecting and hiding when it hurt the most because we could take care of ourselves and help mami.
The strength and independence that it all created also hindered us.
I am a feminist…or am I?
I use to believe that men and women were equal, the reality is that no we are not! We will never be! No matter how strong how smart how independent!
Lol it took a long time for me to accept that!
I remember being 18 and wanting to join the military and wanting to be the next G.I.Jane! I wish I could have a convo with Casilda version 18, the things I would tell her.
It’s great being an independent female who can take care of herself but when all you know is “I got it” it’s hard to open up to people and let them see more than the superficial “your being a girl” moments because it’s deeper than the he said she said because you know damn well that you have to take care of business with tear stricken cheeks, ruby red lips and pretty pretty heels on.
I understand my mother now.
She wasn’t “complaining” about getting things done.
She was complaining of having a man by her side who handled his.
A man doesn’t need to fix things or make it all better, it’s about having someone on your side that when the world says you can’t, he can just you got this. Nothing more nothing less. Because you do!
It’s allowing a man to be a man!
To protect his even though he knows damn well you can protect yourself but won’t let you!
Cause he knows he needs someone to have his back just as much as you do!
And no it’s not about being needy because realistically can we all live on, on our own absolutely!
You can pay someone to put your AC up on the window or build you some shelves or check your car for you or you can do all by yourself or vent with friends but there is nothing like having someone you truly open up to into those dark little corners that your too scared to share with the world and you know that even when they are disappointed, they are going to be right by your side.
Oh Sweetheart let a man treat you like a lady and treat you…to dinner to ice cream to a flower! You deserve it because you are a lady!!!
I would be a millionaire for all the times I heard, “when a man gives you something he expects something” lol
Already filling a young brain with doubts and deceit!
A man will only go as far as you let him! And yes there are many exceptions to the rule but why treat men like a pack? Do we expect to get treated the same as the rest?
While always waiting for the next shoe to drop, eventually it will!
So while being independent and strong and carefree, one must also be a lady …carry yourself as such!
I am not saying that lipsticks and nail polishes would be your new found passion, love what you do whatever it is you do be pretty in pink or in a hoodie and sweatpants but be vulnerable and caring and open while being strong and smart and independent!

Confusion

Hmmmmm
Meditating in words and sounds
Eyes closed to the busy fuss around me
Concentrating on the living and breathing

Hmmmmm
Constant replay of words said
Constant recap of what happened long ago
Reminiscing on those long gone

Hmmmmm
This contradictory brain of mine
Every time I move forward
Its trickery brings me back

Hmmmmmm
Focus on the positive
Leave the negative
Plan the future

Hmmmmmmm
My world is spinning out of control
Filled with confusing metaphors and
Invigorating sounds

Hmmmmmm
It can all be so distracting
Pushing and pulling from that which u want
Questioning your path

Hmmmmmmm
Sitting still to regain focus
Closing your eyes to the many distractions
Envisioning the work the dream the life

Hmmmmmm
Regaining control
Maintaining focus
Burying doubts

Midnight Ramblings- Miss

Miss
the happy in a moment
The peace in a song
The truth in words
The excitement in hello
The sadness in goodbye
The pleasure of laughing

Missing is not something u think about
It’s something u just know deep inside of u
It’s a secret place that u and ur thoughts share

Miss
The words that come so easy
The nomad feeling of belonging
The time when time was not a question
The carefree shield of my emotions
The blank slate of my soul
The pure essence of my heart

Memory filled senses that constantly surround u
Places, voices, feelings long gone but still leave a shadow
Shadows that surface every now and then

Late Night Ramblings-settling

What does it mean to settle?
Some say it means to appease to accept to come to rest
I think it’s being cowardly!
Settling means giving up on what you believe what you desire
Settling means put all others before yourself
And while it’s admirable it’s also cowardly
Because being miserable and disgruntled is not living
I rather compromise than settle
Find a middle ground that works for everyone including myself
People constantly settle with jobs, education, self reflection, relationships
In order to make someone else happy, one must be happy with oneself
Of course we have our moments of regret and self pity and questioning but they are moments,
Moments that fade away
Because one must rise above and be the best that you can possibly be all around
Settling doesn’t allow you to grow as an individual and doesn’t allow you to see the true potential of your persona of what you have to offer
It’s not a matter of being perfect or being what everybody else wants you to be
If pleasing the world would be our roles, crazy is what we would all be constantly changing and contradicting ourselves
Compromising our dreams our reality and pushing forward each and every day, that’s where I will settle

Daddy Issues

Watching fathers be father always brings a smile to my face
Yes I know they are what they are suppose to
But so many fathers think that just because a carries their genes that’s enough
They forget that being a father is caring it’s nurturing it’s protecting it’s giving it’s loving it’s teaching it’s molding
It’s not being after the fact
After your grown and can take care of yourself
After you learned how to protect yourself
After you searched and craved for his attention in the men you associated with
Believing that somehow that would fill the void
Now I smile and silently watch as fathers play their role no matter how big or small
Because I know what it’s feels like to go without
I carry his last name, I have some of his features
But my daddy doesn’t know me
Because he never bothered
And maybe he cared in his own way and just didn’t know how to show it
I am not saying he doesn’t love me because in his own way he does
But he was never a daddy to me he was never the male role model that he was suppose to be
He is the man that gave me life
He is the man that taught me after all the crying and attention seeking
That I don’t need his approval or anyone else’s
That I am part of him and part of my mother
Taught me that my mother did a great job with all her flaws and her mistakes because she picked up his slack she did his job and did hers
I remember a time when watching father daughter dances would make me cry
Because I wanted to be a daddy’s girl so bad
But now I am grateful for the appreciation the admiration that I hold for fathers that are fathers that are dads …that place their children in the highest regard!
For me I don’t think the void will ever be filled because no matter how cool my father and I are now …he wasn’t there for those make or break moments he wasn’t there for many milestones …all I can do is continue to build a friendship with a man that in many aspects remains a stranger to me but everyone else calls my father.

Midnight Rambling- Adapting

The human brain is amazing!
You learn to adapt to situations to environments
You learn to survive
Sometimes you don’t even realize that you have adapted that you have changed
That walls exist where there weren’t ones before
That what use to matter doesn’t matter anymore
That in order to push thru and make it something’s must be left behind
You look back to memories and thoughts of way back when and realize how strange they seem today,
Things you would have never done
Things you would have never said.
You realize that people do change contrary to popular beliefs!
People grow or adapt or camouflage into those people they need to be to move on to live to survive.
Because the truth is that it’s a constant struggle, a struggle with self a struggle with the environment a struggle with people and sometimes in order to be right with all three we have step back from all the bs and just let it all be.
Because ideals, expectations, right and wrong are a heavy load to carry on ones shoulders.
The brain has a way of blocking trauma in order to allow us all to move forward …to adapt but at the moment least expected, something anything triggers back to a memory long forgotten that allows us to see how far we have come sometimes in good ways sometimes in bad. The results of change can be either. Adapting changing surviving must be done to better ourselves to grow!

Moment in time

Walking in a trance
As music plays in the radio
As life goes on around us
We face the reality of closing a chapter
Replaying memories
And each step brings us closer to reality
Put smile on our faces
To cover the pain
Not wanting to reflect those crazy thoughts in our head
Keep busy with nonsense
So we can’t feel
How can I be strong for you when I am breaking down inside?
How can I tell you it’s going to be ok, when we both know it will never be alright?
I hold your hand and you hold mine, tears streaming down your face and in silence we sit as we let memories play in our minds
Because there is nothing I can say to make it go away and there is nothing you can do to make it all ok…
So we sit and listen to those around us trying to make you smile
Watch as your legacies walk by and know they need you now
You squeeze my and I look at you and smile
Slowly let go so I can watch them for a while!