Late night reflections

In order to be grateful for what we have, sometimes we have to take a step back and look back and see how far you have come.
I guess today was my day!
Life has not been the easiest and yes they could have been worst but for the bads that we had they left their bruises and scars. And sometimes we don’t realize what they are because what becomes normal is not really normal but just a way to survive!
Boy have I survived!
I have lived thru things that if you didn’t experience with me, you won’t know about it because I refuse to talk about them. Things that have made me a but rougher a bit tougher very much the survivor the fighter and while at times there is no hope, full of hopes and dreams not just for myself but everyone around me.
I realize that as jaded as I am, I have never lost the idea that everyone has something good in them, that everyone deserves a chance because God knows if I would have been judged based on some actions, I would have never had a chance to grow as a human being as an individual!
Despite the insecurities despite the abuse despite the darkest days, some how some way I have always managed to if needed crawl my way to picking myself up and attempting to build for myself.
Experience taught me at an early age to fend for myself in every way possible! Anything and everything I want I have to work for because nothing is given for free.
I have never expected hand downs or gifts!
I am loyal to a fault at times!
It’s not about those around me, it’s about me and what I perceive as right or wrong or what my spirit allows to receive.
Despite so many examples of hate and indifference that were embedded in me from very early on, I believe that love can make a difference! The love of self the love for others the love for your community the love for those to come after you the love for those before you the infinite love.
So all my life I wanted to make a difference like all those that made a difference in mine, that touched my life even if just for a second and changed something in me.
From the teacher that introduced me to the endless world of books to my first love and all the heartaches.
Today I realize that I have gone down dark holes and have come out alive, out of sheer determination and will.
I have learned very important life lessons.
But most importantly I have learned to forgive myself for all the ups and downs that I have allowed myself to get into.
Human I am and I will continue to make mistakes but I will continue to grow, always trying to be a better me than I was yesterday!

One of my Favorites!

I love poetry I always have from old to new from sonnets to haiku.
So tonight I share one of my favorites because it’s speaks to me because it’s me …hope y’all enjoy!

“Who will cry for the little boy, lost and all alone?

Who will cry for the little boy, abandoned without his own?

Who will cry for the little boy? He cried himself to sleep.

Who will cry for the little boy? He never had for keeps.

Who will cry for the little boy? He walked the burning sand.

Who will cry for the little boy? The boy inside the man.

Who will cry for the little boy? Who knows well hurt and pain.

Who will cry for the little boy? He died and died again.

Who will cry for the little boy? A good boy he tried to be.

Who will cry for the little boy, who cries inside of me?”

—Antwone Fisher, Who Will Cry For The Little Boy?

Midnight Ramblings- home

I love doing spontaneous out of the blue things
But I always need structure in my life
It’s as if I can go as far as want but I know that I always have home the same old home I have always had
I hate feeling trapped and boxed in
But I love knowing that when I need it, it’s right there
I finally understood what a close friend of mine said to me not long ago ….
She said you always go on on your adventures and hang out with different people and try all sorts of things but you always come back
I laughed and didn’t really understand what that meant at the time
My curiosity makes me want to take it all in all at once
My impulsiveness pushes me to jump head in
My sheer excitement allows me to enjoy it all
I want to learn everything
I want conquer everything
I want to see
I want to feel
I want explore
And sometimes for some reason I get all these fulfilled by people watching …lol it makes me sound like a stalker but it’s like riding the trains you hear conversations you see different people you watch you learn behaviors and patterns
In being able to fill that contradictory part of me I must experience the world but I always need my comfort zone …
My structure my pillar that I am free to just be me, all sides of me no judgement no fear.
Change can’t be forced on me because as much as I love different and out of the blue, I don’t like surprises!
I need structure and stability in order to roam free …I need to always be able to come home!

I pray

In the darkest hours
I pray
During the happiest moments
I pray
Sometimes I pray out of routine
Sometimes out of gratitude
Always for guidance
I pray for small things
I pray for little things
I pray with tears in my eyes
I pray with a smile on my face
What started out as a chore years ago
Is now a routine
From the moment I wake
Til the moment I lay my head
I pray out loud
I pray in silence
It makes no difference to me!
I pray to an unknown face
That holds my hand
That soothes the wild beast inside
That calms the nerves sprung on me
That shines light in dark crevices
That make shadows disappear
That plays music to heart
I pray and pray some more
I pray for strength to continue on
I pray for love when all I see is hate
I pray for understanding in all the chaos
I pray for clarity in the smoke filled rooms
I pray for the healing of all the pain
I pray for serenity when energies are disbursed
I pray for life and all it has to give
I pray
I pray
I pray for you and I pray for me!

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Bye!

I don’t want to be your fantasy
I wanted to be your reality
Stop it with the could have would have
Stop it with the faults and excuses
You had me under some sort of spell
But it’s been a while since your potion had any effect on me
Walk on by
Act as if you never knew me
It’s best for you and I
What started like a fairytale
Ended like a horror film

Night thoughts

These middle of the night thoughts
That keep me up until the weeeee hours of the morning
The planning the thinking the settling
Take away my peace of mind
Take the comfort from the rest
It’s the wishing there were more hours in the day
More days in the week
Trying to catch up to time
Or slow it down just enough to get it together
The constant hustle that no one else sees but your mind maps out
Trying to keep afloat
Without any hand outs or favors
Sleepless nights full of prayers
Prayers of hope and guidance
Restless spirit bursting in all directions
So here I am in the middle of the night
Tired, drained and just enough stressed
To pray for a little clarity to all those that may show the way
To construct a plan a simple plan of moving forward
To breathe and remind myself that I got this all on my own like I have always done!

Underestimate Me!

Been sitting in a corner for a while
Watching people passing by
Listening to a lot of bla bla bla
It’s about that time

Gave y’all enough room
To make up ideas to make up lies
Underestimating the ram in me

Let the shadows overpower me
Strapping me to the far end of the room
Silencing the voice that hid deep inside of me

Been hiding for a while
Playing the meek and shy
Neutered from drive from daring

Defiant to my true nature
Playing the role of bland vanilla
Knowing damn well a Rocky road

Fiery nature subdued by the yippy yap
Capture by your minus signs
Vultures feeding on my scars and wounds

Conquering the dreams that I know are mine
Strengthening the ground I step on
Spreading the wings that you have tried to clip in every which way

Been playing defense for far too long
Stepping up and stepping out
Singing my lullabies from way up high
Veins racing with power cusps
Paving ways of passion
Leaving y’all winded