Begging

Begging and pleading for you to see me But I’m invisible, soundless in all my efforts 

You only see the plans that you have made 

The future you have created 

And clearly I have not a thread in it’s making 

The little girl screams see me 

The lady just walks away 

A constant battle of fusions of me 

Mixed screams of love me and leave me 

Passionate contradictions to wind 

Where no one else can hear 

Where the echos go to die 

For there is nothing that begging and screaming will change 

For you will leave tomorrow 

And the broken pieces of my soul will begin to mend today accepting the reality that your tomorrow and my tomorrow vary in the focus of the lenses in the perspectives of the artists 

For mine is filled with sorrows and tears 

And yours are built with stone cold walls filled with achievements 

Symphonies 

Long ago in a land faraway Lived a girl a small naive sheltered girl 

That found adventure and passion 

In sounds and melodies from artists hearts 

Smiles and tears from lyrics sometimes unknown to her 

She hmmmm to songs of love and hate 

She discovered escape routes from her daily 

When it hurt the must she would sing at the top of her lungs to songs that spoke to her soul 

While the world around her crumbled 

She created fantasy stages where she would wow the world with strings, percussions, notes 

With every sunrise and sunset, she embraced rhythm and blues with a little hard bass 

When reality became too harsh for her years 

The beating of the drums took her away on trips far far away 

And every time she felt that she lost a little more of her innocence, she belted doooo reeeeee meeee faaaaa sooooooo until she drowned out all the other sounds 

She encrusted her souls with melodies and rhythms from all around the world to create her own symphonies! 

Mother 

It’s amazing how things can be embedded so deep inside of you And you forever go in search of the answers to the why 

And it’s been there all along 

Encrusted in your every being 

Made in the sound of your mothers voice 

Sounds that destroy and crumble 

Sounds that create monsters inside souls 

Insecurities fed by the words of mothers 
All the books can’t erase the scars of your words 

Not the songs memorized in my head 

Not the many nights of being inebriated 

Not the millions tears spilled through out all these years 

Not the billion fuck you and fuck the world you keep screaming out loud 
Because the words repeat over and over 

The scars deepen and darken 

The walls grow stronger, cemented by your insecurities 

Your insecurities that you assured to encrust into my soul from the minute I could crawl 
I have walked a million miles away from you 

I have written stories my stories full of chapters with nothing to do with you 

But the more I walk away from you 

The closer I get 
I vowed moons ago 

When the reality of me ever being like you 

That if ever I was blessed with being a mother

There would never be a question of love 

There would never be a bigger fan 

Queen of the jungle, protector of the pride, huntress!! 

I would build never destroy the oh so sensitive soul of my legacies! 

Late night thoughts –running from the past 

It’s feels like I am on a fast train to the past, a past filled with pain and confusion , a past a ran from as soon as I could.

The past that shaped these deep and dark insecurities that I hide every chance I get. 

It’s as if I torture myself by being in this place in this time reliving moments that broke me that shattered me when no one was there to help me 

I had to learn how to crawl thru the shattered glass that was my soul, bandage up the pieces that I could to attempt to make a run from it and save myself 

They say you have to face your past and push thru it so that you can let it go and I wonder if this is what I am doing now? Living thru this moment, pushing thru the tears and this insane urge to just run as far away as possible!! 

I can’t shake this feeling! 

I can’t shake this feeling This insane feeling of being trapped 

Trapped in an invisible box 

A box filled with lies, 

Insecurities, 

Darkness, 

Hopelessness 

Every turn covered in traumatic emotions 

Crippling experiences 
And we fake bubble gum dreams 

And we fake fairy tales that we continuously tell 

And for every rainbow 

There were blood, sweat and tears 
Death filled days 

That succumb our every emotion 

That shatter our glitter filled stories 
So how can I shake this feeling of doom? 

It’s hard to see the light when so much dark surrounds us You can feel it seeping thru the cracks 

Trying to take over the room 

But the shadows fight back 

Overpowering the brightness 
It’s hard to fight in the dark 

Where the enemies are unknown 

Where stumbling and falling is likely 
Where the breach of light far in a corner invigorates us to forget how much darkness surrounds us 

Makes us forget all the possible ways that we can get hurt 

Makes us want to find more blinding intoxicating brightness 
An abyss of black and blues that swallows us whole 

But that beacon of hope makes a sliver on some faraway corner 

It all seems grey! 

It all seems grey All shades of grey 

Insecurities of all that surrounds me 

Questioning career choices 

Debating about life choices 

All choices made by me 

Were they made out of fear? 

Or was it determination? 

Or just a bit of stubborn? 

Second guessing yourself in all you do 

It all seems grey 

All shades of grey 

The constant feeling of being a nomad 

Of never truly belonging anywhere 

The little voice inside my head constantly screaming 

It all seems grey 

All shades of grey 

No reassurance of being suffice 

No clear direction 

An up hill climb to just survive 

To just have the bare essentials 

It all seems grey 

All shades of grey 

When you know this is not you 

Where all the rain drops don’t seem like gumdrops 

When the obstacles just seem too big