Endless nights of wonder

That all culminate in truth

Thoughts wrapped in fear

Words engulfed in pain

That no one knows but me

I’ve hidden many tears

I’ve muted so many words

Things left unsaid

But what’s the point

What is the point of endless words

What is the point of emotions and feelings

Those things that people claim makes the world go round

All the thoughts that come in the middle of the night

A lifetime of feeling like an outsider

Always running away to maybe belong somewhere to find that I don’t belong anywhere

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder

Where oh where is all the magic in the fairy tales we grew up reading?

Could it all be imagination in millions of little girls across the globe?

Shouldn’t there be some truth in all the fuzzy bubbly world created by hope and dreams?

Sometimes I wonder

If I wasn’t the women that grew up with the fuzzy bubbly beliefs,

If with all the harsh lessons life has taught, why I still believe in the make believe?

Sometimes I wonder

If this is all simply an illusions created by our darkest deepest desires?

Dreams

Follow your dreams they say

Work hard they say

And you shall achieve you have ever wanted …..

Well I have worked hard

I have given my blood sweat and Tears

And I am just another face in the crowd

I am the comfort zone for it all

Never enough

Never the one

So many dreams shattered to pieces

And the clock keeps ticking

And they don’t come true

Seems like I am throwing in the towel

Just swimming with the pool of fishes

Just saying fuck it all

Dreams on paper

Paving way for someone else’s path

But it never works for me

Chase your dreams they say

Work hard they say

And everyone grasps the stars but me

Lost Myself 

I have lost myself In words never spoken

In fairytale moments
Lost myself

In silence

In fear
The past has a way of making way

Of setting roots and never letting go

Leaving a whirlwind of ashes in its trails
I have lost myself

In secrets and lie

In my past

Begging

Begging and pleading for you to see me But I’m invisible, soundless in all my efforts

You only see the plans that you have made

The future you have created

And clearly I have not a thread in it’s making

The little girl screams see me

The lady just walks away

A constant battle of fusions of me

Mixed screams of love me and leave me

Passionate contradictions to wind

Where no one else can hear

Where the echos go to die

For there is nothing that begging and screaming will change

For you will leave tomorrow

And the broken pieces of my soul will begin to mend today accepting the reality that your tomorrow and my tomorrow vary in the focus of the lenses in the perspectives of the artists

For mine is filled with sorrows and tears

And yours are built with stone cold walls filled with achievements

Symphonies 

Long ago in a land faraway Lived a girl a small naive sheltered girl

That found adventure and passion

In sounds and melodies from artists hearts

Smiles and tears from lyrics sometimes unknown to her

She hmmmm to songs of love and hate

She discovered escape routes from her daily

When it hurt the must she would sing at the top of her lungs to songs that spoke to her soul

While the world around her crumbled

She created fantasy stages where she would wow the world with strings, percussions, notes

With every sunrise and sunset, she embraced rhythm and blues with a little hard bass

When reality became too harsh for her years

The beating of the drums took her away on trips far far away

And every time she felt that she lost a little more of her innocence, she belted doooo reeeeee meeee faaaaa sooooooo until she drowned out all the other sounds

She encrusted her souls with melodies and rhythms from all around the world to create her own symphonies!

Mother 

It’s amazing how things can be embedded so deep inside of you And you forever go in search of the answers to the why

And it’s been there all along

Encrusted in your every being

Made in the sound of your mothers voice

Sounds that destroy and crumble

Sounds that create monsters inside souls

Insecurities fed by the words of mothers
All the books can’t erase the scars of your words

Not the songs memorized in my head

Not the many nights of being inebriated

Not the millions tears spilled through out all these years

Not the billion fuck you and fuck the world you keep screaming out loud
Because the words repeat over and over

The scars deepen and darken

The walls grow stronger, cemented by your insecurities

Your insecurities that you assured to encrust into my soul from the minute I could crawl
I have walked a million miles away from you

I have written stories my stories full of chapters with nothing to do with you

But the more I walk away from you

The closer I get
I vowed moons ago

When the reality of me ever being like you

That if ever I was blessed with being a mother

There would never be a question of love

There would never be a bigger fan

Queen of the jungle, protector of the pride, huntress!!

I would build never destroy the oh so sensitive soul of my legacies!

Late night thoughts –running from the past 

It’s feels like I am on a fast train to the past, a past filled with pain and confusion , a past a ran from as soon as I could.

The past that shaped these deep and dark insecurities that I hide every chance I get. 

It’s as if I torture myself by being in this place in this time reliving moments that broke me that shattered me when no one was there to help me 

I had to learn how to crawl thru the shattered glass that was my soul, bandage up the pieces that I could to attempt to make a run from it and save myself 

They say you have to face your past and push thru it so that you can let it go and I wonder if this is what I am doing now? Living thru this moment, pushing thru the tears and this insane urge to just run as far away as possible!! 

I can’t shake this feeling! 

I can’t shake this feeling This insane feeling of being trapped 

Trapped in an invisible box 

A box filled with lies, 

Insecurities, 

Darkness, 

Hopelessness 

Every turn covered in traumatic emotions 

Crippling experiences 
And we fake bubble gum dreams 

And we fake fairy tales that we continuously tell 

And for every rainbow 

There were blood, sweat and tears 
Death filled days 

That succumb our every emotion 

That shatter our glitter filled stories 
So how can I shake this feeling of doom? 

It’s hard to see the light when so much dark surrounds us You can feel it seeping thru the cracks 

Trying to take over the room 

But the shadows fight back 

Overpowering the brightness 
It’s hard to fight in the dark 

Where the enemies are unknown 

Where stumbling and falling is likely 
Where the breach of light far in a corner invigorates us to forget how much darkness surrounds us 

Makes us forget all the possible ways that we can get hurt 

Makes us want to find more blinding intoxicating brightness 
An abyss of black and blues that swallows us whole 

But that beacon of hope makes a sliver on some faraway corner