In search for happy I found a path full of tears and pains 

A path no one speaks of 

Because happy is not a bubble gum filled rainbow 

but a desolate road filled with strange sounds

Tested and tried is happy 

That is only shared with the rare and few 

For happy is a word known to all but rarely ever seen 

With tear stricken faces I smile and feel my heart filled with happy 

Random thoughts of love, loyalty and friends

We live in a web of lies that we continue to tell ourselves Where simple words have no meaning 

Love, loyalty and friends don’t mean the same thing they use to mean 

The childhood veil has lifted 

Intoxicated from the reality 

I believed in fairytales but forgot how grotesque they really are not the Disney version that we all have become so accustomed to 

It all leaves a trail of bloodshed tears that others don’t seem to notice 

It hardens the heart 

And you dig to feel something other than pain and indifference where there once was as care and sensitivity 

The influx of memories that play and replay and make it so hard for that cozy feeling to ever come back 

Wondering what you ever believed in

Empty Spaces 

In the symphonies of words Said by the people that surround me 

I find empty spaces And ticking time bombs 

Moments filled with Pandora boxes 

Enticing beats to stray your focus 

Words so intoxicating that they seem reality 

But it’s all fools gold 

Scheming to make you take the wrong path 

The path that your soul knows doesn’t belong 

Oooooo these promises of nothing but chaos 

Keeping me away from the goals set on stoke with my name on it 


A million thoughts running thru my had Plans, memories all intertwined

Trying to be the best that I can possibly be 

Paving ways to what tomorrow has for me 

The ideas that over take my head 

The mistakes that make me take pause 

In a different place than I was yesterday but somehow the dreams remain the same 

How will I get to the place where I have always seen myself 

The aesthetics change but the goal remains the same 

Visions and visions of tomorrow have played for years in this head of mine 

Sometimes it feels so close 

And at times so far

Dreams that survive from heartache from fear from pain 

Dreams become chameleons attached to the soul of a little girl that was content with so little 

A little with big dreams that didn’t belong to the time and place 

Fast forward to the woman before you with the same big dreams 

Dear Grandpa…

Words never spoken that play over and over

But time has taken you from me

Wishing to hear your voice one last time

Hoping to remember all words of wisdom you tried to instill in me

But no one knows that I miss me each and every day

No one knows the regrets the guilt

How I wished we had taken the trips we so often spoken of

How I wish I could have seen you one last time and just hold your hand

Time keeps going but it feels empty without you here with me

A piece of me gone to never be filled

And all you ever wished for me was a life of happiness full of laughter and music

So many memories that I hold dear

Always standing tall for us when everyone turned their backs on us

You were stern when I needed you to be and were my confidante when I needed you to be

My one true example of what a man is suppose to be

And like you said time and time again WE were your chance at making things right

My Walls 

Long ago I taught myself to always protect myself from anybody and everybody. My walls have been strong and sturdy thru the years. Some have managed to climb over some have managed to make passage way thru but no one had managed to eliminate them all together and maybe that’s my fault. Cause I built them strong and sturdy. It was either that or be a victim and I will never be a victim no matter what life throws my way. And with building these walls I have not allowed myself the true pleasure of just being…I am always on defense. 

Life has taught me many things some of which I have chosen to not acknowledge because lessons come in positives and negatives. Pushing people away some without rhyme or reason, others held too close too long for no reason. This fort I built not only kept others away but also kept me away. Kept me close to my thoughts and my critiques and now that I want to run from them, they seem to be all I have. 

The rare and few that know my moves before I make them, that know my laughs and everything they mean, that know my hurt and sadness manifests to the world in extremes of laughter and entertainer with the angry lashes in between. Because what’s the use of crying in front of people that think you can handle everything or find you weak with the mere confusion of sillyness. 

The rare and few that know my thoughts 

The rare and few that know my fears 

The rare and few that truly know my loves and passions 

Now I marvel at these beautiful sturdy, thick diamond crusted walls that I created to protect myself. I smile at the few scars made in useless attempts by miniscual individuals. Shed tears for the fear of destroying the walls in preservation of self. Sighed at the thought of allowing someone to my left and someone to my right when me myself and I was all I needed to get by. But this time in order to protect myself, the walls must come down! 

Late Night Thoughts 

Don’t know why I keep thinking so much 

Worrying about things I can’t control 

Scared to death of the emotions deep inside 

Because I’m so used to being hurt and left behind 

Great at hiding the dark parts of my soul with exaggerated laughters and dramatic angers 

Assuring no one sees the tears full of insecurities 

Nods of emotions embedded so long ago that letting go is such a puzzle 

When feeling happy is weighed down with the nagging feeling of your past 

A past that sneaks it’s ugly claws in the moment you swear you have it all figured out 

Smooth edges hardened thru the years of pushing back of fighting back 

Never needing anything but the pages of my books taking me away from the reality in which I lived 

Busted my ass to move forward and up away from it all 

But buried in the moments of memories rooted in my soul are the never ending disappointments by those that claimed they loved me by a society that continuously wanted to weigh me down by a culture that trapped me and boxed me 

I think so much of things that should be buried 

But they rise from the dead when my heart hurts and my silent cries fill my bed reminding me that I should be used to them by now