Dear Grandpa…

Words never spoken that play over and over

But time has taken you from me

Wishing to hear your voice one last time

Hoping to remember all words of wisdom you tried to instill in me

But no one knows that I miss me each and every day

No one knows the regrets the guilt

How I wished we had taken the trips we so often spoken of

How I wish I could have seen you one last time and just hold your hand

Time keeps going but it feels empty without you here with me

A piece of me gone to never be filled

And all you ever wished for me was a life of happiness full of laughter and music

So many memories that I hold dear

Always standing tall for us when everyone turned their backs on us

You were stern when I needed you to be and were my confidante when I needed you to be

My one true example of what a man is suppose to be

And like you said time and time again WE were your chance at making things right

My Walls 

Long ago I taught myself to always protect myself from anybody and everybody. My walls have been strong and sturdy thru the years. Some have managed to climb over some have managed to make passage way thru but no one had managed to eliminate them all together and maybe that’s my fault. Cause I built them strong and sturdy. It was either that or be a victim and I will never be a victim no matter what life throws my way. And with building these walls I have not allowed myself the true pleasure of just being…I am always on defense. 

Life has taught me many things some of which I have chosen to not acknowledge because lessons come in positives and negatives. Pushing people away some without rhyme or reason, others held too close too long for no reason. This fort I built not only kept others away but also kept me away. Kept me close to my thoughts and my critiques and now that I want to run from them, they seem to be all I have. 

The rare and few that know my moves before I make them, that know my laughs and everything they mean, that know my hurt and sadness manifests to the world in extremes of laughter and entertainer with the angry lashes in between. Because what’s the use of crying in front of people that think you can handle everything or find you weak with the mere confusion of sillyness. 

The rare and few that know my thoughts 

The rare and few that know my fears 

The rare and few that truly know my loves and passions 

Now I marvel at these beautiful sturdy, thick diamond crusted walls that I created to protect myself. I smile at the few scars made in useless attempts by miniscual individuals. Shed tears for the fear of destroying the walls in preservation of self. Sighed at the thought of allowing someone to my left and someone to my right when me myself and I was all I needed to get by. But this time in order to protect myself, the walls must come down! 

Late Night Thoughts 

Don’t know why I keep thinking so much 

Worrying about things I can’t control 

Scared to death of the emotions deep inside 

Because I’m so used to being hurt and left behind 

Great at hiding the dark parts of my soul with exaggerated laughters and dramatic angers 

Assuring no one sees the tears full of insecurities 

Nods of emotions embedded so long ago that letting go is such a puzzle 

When feeling happy is weighed down with the nagging feeling of your past 

A past that sneaks it’s ugly claws in the moment you swear you have it all figured out 

Smooth edges hardened thru the years of pushing back of fighting back 

Never needing anything but the pages of my books taking me away from the reality in which I lived 

Busted my ass to move forward and up away from it all 

But buried in the moments of memories rooted in my soul are the never ending disappointments by those that claimed they loved me by a society that continuously wanted to weigh me down by a culture that trapped me and boxed me 

I think so much of things that should be buried 

But they rise from the dead when my heart hurts and my silent cries fill my bed reminding me that I should be used to them by now

Late night post- Material things 

This idea to continuously worry about material things …where did it come from? 

Because it leaves a void in our souls when that’s all we concern ourselves about. 

This constant venture for things that fade things that loose value 

But character and strength seem to be non existent.

Chasing paper that’s what they call it 

Chasing approval based on dollar signs 

Distracted by the constant crusade for more 

Instead of concentrating on more time for peace for love for growth for sanity 

When all the material things are gone , 

What will you have left? 

Are you made of fire and ice? 

Where the ruins of the world cannot destroy you? 

Where humbling yourself is not a disaster? 

Where new beginnings come with a breath of fresh air? 

A time or two 

I have given my heart a time or two 

I believed in fairytales and bubble gum dreams

That love changes everything 

That love makes things better 

All the love songs and poems 

All the letters and sayings 

Believed with every fiber of my being 

That this thing called love 

Was the most amazing feeling 

And in time I learned the harsh reality 

Loving someone comes with the specific instructions of giving your all and knowing that the person can destroy you at any point in time 

Loving someone is knowing that they don’t have to love you back and allowing them to free 

Loving someone is wishing them the best even when they deserve the worst 

Loving someone means always having that persons interest in mind and putting their needs and wants in high priority 

So this thing called love that everyone writes songs and stories about 

This feeling that exposes every insecurity every desire 

Consumes your very soul 

And when you finally decide to use your brain and shut off any emotions and feelings 

You wake up one morning and find that  Sir Love lives in your heart breathes thru your lungs 

Because as much as you don’t want to feel the roller coaster ride of emotions or feel exposed to the one person that can hurt you 

Here you stand with your heart racing and blood thumping at the mere sound of his voice 

And you feel like a stupid teenage girl 

And there comes the hurt and pain 

Cleansed by tears and laughter 

But this time you can’t seem to let go 

You can’t walk away 

Because this time something is different 

And it’s not something that can really be explained with words 

A scary sensation of belonging yet knowing you deserve so much more than the pain 

And the one that is suppose to be right there is the same one that ripped bandages and scars 

I have given my heart a time or two 

But never felt like I belonged 

When it all falls apart! 

It’s always something 

What else is going to happen 

It can’t get any worse 

Phrases that we use when things are going bad 

When we are focusing on all the negatives and we force more negatives upon us 

But what happens 

When it all seems great 

When things all seem to be falling into place 

And suddenly the rug gets pulled from under you 

When you didn’t call on any negative forces? 

When you were celebrating your joys? 

When you were grateful for all your blessings? 

And suddenly your blessings one by one crumble apart? 

Your joys one by one make you want to cry? 

When all the positive thinking in the world can’t stop the pain and the hurt? 

When words don’t have meanings and sounds don’t have rhythm? 

And the negative thoughts flood you all at once 

And you don’t want to talk to anyone because no one can fix it no one can make it go away 

Because talking is useless 

Because thinking is mundane! 

What happens to a mended heart when it’s broken?