A time or two 

I have given my heart a time or two 

I believed in fairytales and bubble gum dreams

That love changes everything 

That love makes things better 

All the love songs and poems 

All the letters and sayings 

Believed with every fiber of my being 

That this thing called love 

Was the most amazing feeling 

And in time I learned the harsh reality 

Loving someone comes with the specific instructions of giving your all and knowing that the person can destroy you at any point in time 

Loving someone is knowing that they don’t have to love you back and allowing them to free 

Loving someone is wishing them the best even when they deserve the worst 

Loving someone means always having that persons interest in mind and putting their needs and wants in high priority 

So this thing called love that everyone writes songs and stories about 

This feeling that exposes every insecurity every desire 

Consumes your very soul 

And when you finally decide to use your brain and shut off any emotions and feelings 

You wake up one morning and find that  Sir Love lives in your heart breathes thru your lungs 

Because as much as you don’t want to feel the roller coaster ride of emotions or feel exposed to the one person that can hurt you 

Here you stand with your heart racing and blood thumping at the mere sound of his voice 

And you feel like a stupid teenage girl 

And there comes the hurt and pain 

Cleansed by tears and laughter 

But this time you can’t seem to let go 

You can’t walk away 

Because this time something is different 

And it’s not something that can really be explained with words 

A scary sensation of belonging yet knowing you deserve so much more than the pain 

And the one that is suppose to be right there is the same one that ripped bandages and scars 

I have given my heart a time or two 

But never felt like I belonged 

When it all falls apart! 

It’s always something 

What else is going to happen 

It can’t get any worse 

Phrases that we use when things are going bad 

When we are focusing on all the negatives and we force more negatives upon us 

But what happens 

When it all seems great 

When things all seem to be falling into place 

And suddenly the rug gets pulled from under you 

When you didn’t call on any negative forces? 

When you were celebrating your joys? 

When you were grateful for all your blessings? 

And suddenly your blessings one by one crumble apart? 

Your joys one by one make you want to cry? 

When all the positive thinking in the world can’t stop the pain and the hurt? 

When words don’t have meanings and sounds don’t have rhythm? 

And the negative thoughts flood you all at once 

And you don’t want to talk to anyone because no one can fix it no one can make it go away 

Because talking is useless 

Because thinking is mundane! 

What happens to a mended heart when it’s broken? 


Sitting in silence 

Listening to memories 

Building my tomorrow 

Seems like life has gotten in the way of who I was meant to be 

With each struggle taking me two steps further away then where I am supposed to be 

I have walked and crawled to get right here where I am today 

I have cried in silence and screamed for the world to hear 

I have scratched and dug my way out of dark holes …alone 

With no hand to hold 

With no shoulder to lean on 

Build a wall so high and strong 

No one could get thru

Because I had me to take care of 

Because for all the caring and holding and helping I have done 

I stand alone 

I walk alone 

I must admit that use to bother me 

But today I realize that’s just how it has to be 

I do me …I create my own rules, I write my own story, I dance to my own rhythms 

No one has any idea the sacrifices made to be able to stand here 

No one sees the scars and bruises that have healed and reopened yet to heal again over the years 

I am a little deeper then the first time 

I have more substance than the smiles and tough side 

There is a story for every look for every laugh for every wrinkle 

So I sit in silence 

Listening to memories 

Building my tomorrow 

Late night Ramblings 

Contemplating how quickly things change 

How time is not our friend 

How just yesterday things were different 

I was different 

Today I reflect on my past 358 days 

The person I was at this same very moment last year versus the person I am today 

I contemplate on the me I have become over the past 5 years 

A reflection in the mirror I don’t recognize 

A me so long gone 

A mere memory 

Lost the light in my eyes a long time ago 

I remember being so light and free 

I remember believing in so many fairy tale dreams 

I remember pushing for the unknown tomorrow’s with ideals and fantasies 

But life had a way of darkening the edges, of cutting my wings.

There was so much I wanted 

There was so much ambition 

Today seems like a constant struggle to not sit here and contemplate 

On all those decisions 

Those that I should have made 

Those that I shouldn’t have 

People I allowed in my life

People I let go 

The colors of today so diluted 

Not sure what’s black or white anymore 

Never changes 

I keep re reading this book 

Over and over 

Again and again 

Cry in the same places 

Laugh in the same spot 

Insanity for believing that every time I read it it’s different then the last 

It’s the understanding that changes 

It’s the perception that varies in views 

It’s not the story 

It’s me looking in 

But it’s my favorite story 

The one that I have read a million times over 

Where the characters have the same name 

The settings remain 

It’s the meaning that varies 

Adaptation of my emotions in a book that never changes 

My problem….

Maybe my problem is I care too much 
Maybe my problem is I don’t care at all 
It’s always a problem 
I don’t have a problem with being alone 
But I do have a problem with feeling lonely 
I don’t have a problem with speaking my mind 
But I do have a problem with saying too much 
I trust too easy 
I give too much 
I love hard 
And I hate harder 
I can give my all 
I can give nothing 
I can face the world and it’s problems head on 
But I have a problem 
The same force that propels me forward is the same force that builds fear in me 
My problem is not what they say is what they feel 
My problem is not what they think is what they don’t think 
I was built to stand alone on my own two feet 
But my problem is I don’t want to 
It’s a contradiction this world of mine 
A constant struggle to find balance where balance doesn’t exist 
My problem is that hurt runs deep and the love runs deeper 
My problem is that there is so much too say but so little that it can change 
My problem is that I don’t have nothing else to say and that kills me 
My problem is my past 
My problem is my future 
It’s fantasies created in childhood dreams 
It’s dreams built on sweat and tears 
My problem is my temper that fuels the bullets that spray from my mouth shaped as words and phrases 
My problem is no problem at all 
When I can just be …just be me!