Regret is the worst feeling in the world. The idea of what if. Walking away too soon or Staying too long. Scared to do this and that. Doing something that you should have never done.
A ‘I love you’ never said. A ‘I hate you’ out of anger. A phone call never made. A dream never followed.
Regret is fed by this ridiculous notion called ego and pride that doesn’t allow us to see past those emotions. Fed by anger!
Life is so fickle! Things can change in a matter of a second.
Sometimes I sit and wonder about all those things I should regret according to some but I don’t I can’t! I am not built that way! I believe that things are said at the moment that you want to say them, I believe you do the things you do because you wanted to and because at that moment in time it was the thing you wanted to do. Even in mistakes lessons can be found. In every tear a path of sunshine. In every heartache a smile.
So say what you feel, do what you want because you truly never know if that door will open again!
And she sat and she let the tears fall
Let them fall for all the hurt for all the pain for all lies for all the truths
Her essence poured down her face
Her youth her hopes her dreams her desires
She searched for answers in the four walls that surrounded her
As if words would appear that would soothe the broken spirit
Broken beyond repair it seemed because these tears that kept falling didn’t seem to patch the open scars that filled her soul
She closed her eyes to escape to the memories that haunted her days and nights
Vividly remembered with the taste left on her lips, with the tingling sensation from the tip of her toe that travelled its way thru every nerve every spasm til it reached her head and a slow moan formed on her lips
She swam in masochistic rollercoaster emotions that seemed never ending
I wrote this manual a long time ago
Of do’s and don’ts
of could and could nots
Ridiculous rules to protect myself from the world
And while everybody saw this carefree and strong person before them
no one ever noticed the tortured spirit
Soon becoming a rebel without a cause, pushing limits for the sake of the push, inflicting pain for all the hurting inside
But all everyone saw was the anger and the carelessness
Never hearing the cry for help in every action
Rules that became so embedded that became unbreakable bad habits, a game of push and pull.
After so long, I sit here reading my own manual…asking myself what a fucked up rule book and why would anyone follow it?
Instructions created by actions of clowns, jokers and pitiful fools
Believed by a lost child, by a hurt adult
Who never truly grasped the strength in her own being
Who never accepted what it meant to be loved
Who never embraced the satisfaction of just being
So today I burn away the pages of my deceitful manual
And refuse to create a new one because I am a rebel but with a cause
A rebel for all those beautiful things life has to offer
For all those moments felt with the heart without a need to feel scared
For all those caressing words whispered in the wind
Today I am free!
We live the moments as if they will last forever
As if tomorrow will never come
As if things never change
We grow up believing in notions of tomorrow
But tomorrow never comes
We are left with moments of regrets
Words left unsaid
Suddenly a faint smell sends us back to days of yesterday
Where the memories live
Melodies that transport us to a moment long time gone
With vacant looks and tear streaked faces
With sweet smiles and hearty laughters
Triggers that replay it all from beginning to end
A dog eared novel that we are seeking over and over again
But yesterday is gone and tomorrow never comes
Labels to confine
To divide society
To humiliate the spirit
But we are not labels
We are everything
From a gust of wind
To the vibrations of the drums
Creating stigmas to belittle
Causing doubt to control
Your ignorance is not our truths
You and I are one and the same
No domain over me
I am everything
From the depths of the oceans
To stars so bright
I am white black yellow red brown
A rainbow of colors
That you cannot define
I am me no labels no stigmas!
I was recently going thru old emails in an old account that I have not seen in a very long time and it amazed me what Cassy version 23 was compared to Cassy now. Its not so much the age and maturity factor, its the dreams, the aspirations, the visions, the path ahead. I was young and focused and determined and open to the world and all it had to give.
I lost that along the way maybe because of all my falls and all the deceptions and all the lies. Life has a way of darkening the soul even when you don’t want it to. Some call it experience others call it cleansing, I call it coloring.
As I went thru the numerous folders, I experienced a vast of emotions. I had one folder specifically designated to emails that my besties and I would send while in class and at work, all day long lol this was before texting became the big thing. (Damn I am old!!) The amounts of nonsense that would transpire in these emails are hysterical. But we lived by them daily!! I guess that explains why I am a text addict!
(I, Casilda F. Lora, am addicted to texting! LOL)
I found a folder full of pictures uploaded from various cameras. Moments in time, moments that will NEVER be, People that have come and gone, Love faded. This was a bittersweet moment. Made me think of the many things that I have walked away from without a hesitation (that I shouldn’t have) and those many things that I have fought to stay by every step of the way (that I shouldn’t have). It made me appreciate those friendships that have blossomed into extended families and accept those that have faded away into memories. The biggest surprise of all is the realization that the majority of my friends are people I have known for the majority of my life. It made me realize that at times we must pause and take a look back at those moments and those people that have partaken in them, be it good or bad.
I went thru a folder of old love letters or rather emails. Its funny how fickle the heart is. How feelings and emotions that were once there can come to life with a simple memory. Raw emotions brought forth by insignificant words.
My goal was simply to empty my emails not to have an emotional flashback to a time where my colors were bright, where my actions were ruled by my courageous heart (my bold job searches and applications) and I realized why I never erased any of my emails…they are moments that remind me of how far I have come along. They remind me of ME and the me I wasn’t afraid to be, the me that was focused and driven and refused to be side tracked by anything that life thru her way.
A prayer for humanity and all the injustices and all the lives sacrificed in the name of freedom. A prayer for peace! Peace amongst brothers, neighbors and strangers!
Injustices have been occurring since the beginning of time. People caught in the crossfires of others ideals.
To what some are simple liberties to others are luxuries!
It’s a battle of have and have nots!
How many books haven’t been centered around these very ideals?
Les Miserables, A tale of two cities, Gone with the Wind, In time of the Butterflies….
It’s not a matter of race or country or time period or gender…