Birthday!

I grew up with the belief that celebrating birthdays was wrong …hmmmm I don’t like the word but don’t know which word is politically correct…but which one can I use wrong, erroneous, bad, evil …I am sticking to bad it’s the most passive of the others.
Anyways!
But even though we were not supposed to celebrate birthdays, my mom always cooked our favorite foods on our birthdays and woke us up with birthday punches and for many years I got to go to the circus on my birthday because I was so obsessed with them and of course the circus was always in town for my birthday!
I didn’t need a cake or a party because I had a little bit of all my favorites with me and that made me happy!
I think that’s one of the reasons why birthdays are so special to me because it’s not about the gifts or the cake or the parties it’s about being with your favorite people doing your favorite things celebrating another year of you being you surviving all that life throws your way.
And I guess as time has gone by I have become a bit jaded because maybe I haven’t done the things I wanted in my 365 days before the next mark or maybe I haven’t spent it with the one person I really wanted to or maybe it became to elaborate to just be like it was before …a home cooked meal by my mother but not just any meal but my favorite meal with my sisters and my parents and for just that one day all the differences would be put aside and to the circus we would go and laugh and smile for a bit!
Here is to the last few days of this year…a rough year a year of change and growth a year of tears and laughter A year filled with soooooo much love and soooo much disappointment…a toast to the end of it all and new beginnings with Miss passionate Contradiction behind the wheel!
Xoxo

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Midnight Ramblings-Fears

What are your fears? What are your weaknesses?
People constantly ask these questions and we answer them at times in a monotone way but have you really taken the time to analyze what those questions are?
They are in depth questions that only you truly know the answer to.
I know my fears and weakness well and try to hide them or justify them with mediocre excuses.
Fears have a way of growing roots and intertwining with insecurities and experiences, drowning us in their weight!
I wish I could turn back time and be the selfless child that took the world on without a doubt in every step!
I wanted it I got it! There was never any if ands or buts!
But as time goes on you question yourself you question your motives and your drives based on others perceptions based on others weaknesses placed on you.
I don’t need anyone to tell me faults because I know them all too well and I strive everyday to be a better me than I was yesterday
But those dark little corners that make you question your every choice your very existence, make you wavier the very essence of you.
My biggest weakness in an ideal world would not be a weakness!
But my weakness leaves me constantly vulnerable to the lashings of the world to the disappointments, the deceptions, the longing!
Which in all creates more fears!
But I can’t live a life full of fears,
So I live in a catch 22 because my weakness is my strength that feeds off of my fears!

The sun rises and it sets

The sun rises and it sets

Full of change
Full of truths and lessons

Love lost and found
On empty promises
Full of hopes and desires

Changing lanes on a road unknown
Without no destination pinned

Days, hours, minutes
Tumbling of pages written in foreign languages

The resurrection of demons
Filled with pain and anger

As the clouds slowly shift
As the moon rises and tides run high

I contemplate
Every sensation every feel every thump
Of the last 365 days
And I see the different versions of me
The upgrades the discontinuation

The sun rises and sets

Smiles filled with sad eyes
Laughters intoxicating empty spaces

Words on a daily newspaper
Ever changing constant moving
Spiraling towards tomorrow

Starving for memories
Reaching for impossibles
Embracing the soul of every beating of the heart
To stand tall and full evolutions
A granite statue that stands tall and grand

The sun rises and sets

Story of a Rag Doll

Recently I heard someone mention Raggedy Ann and smiled with such sweet memories
of my childhood. Raggedy Ann was my rag dolls companion…precious friends.

Curiosity led me to research the origin of my beloved childhood doll and
what is such a sweet memory has such a grief stricken origin.
Johnny Gruelle
a cartoonist/writer repainted and reinvented a rag doll that was found in an
attic and given to his daughter. He named her utilizing the combination of two
titles from friend’s poems, “The Raggedy Man” and “Little Orphan Annie.”

Raggedy Ann was patented and massively distributed in 1915 by a grief
stricken father. His daughter passed away at the age of 13. Gruelle and his wife
blamed the child’s death on the fact that the child was vaccinated for small pox
without their permission. Doctors stated that it was heart failure but the
parents felt it was otherwise. She then became a symbol anti-vaccination.

His daughter became his muse for the series of children’s books that he
wrote. He named his human protagonist after his daughter. This reminds me of
Andy from Toy Story…who coincidently is named after Raggedy Andy the brother
of Raggedy Ann in the series.
Raggedy Ann was just a childhood memory but
after reading up the origins of the doll it’s a timeless piece of childhood
vaccine injuries and death.

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Random thoughts-Me!

There is a constant battle within
A rebellious nature about me,
that doesn’t conform to the norm,
that feeds off bending rules and making them my own
Yet there is this streak of “straightarrowedness”
(yeah I made my own word lol)
Where I feel joy in following things thru the way you are “suppose to”
Hmmmm definite contradiction
For many years I have tried to break free of this persona of mine
Only to discover that the more I tried to simulate to others characteristics or what I believed they wanted me to be,
My persona only grew stronger, it found the strength that wasn’t there before.
I can look back now and see how many I had fooled to believe that I was so strong and nonchalant about just about anything!
When I wanted to follow rules I couldn’t and when I wanted to break them I would just go right along with them.
I was confused and distorted
I can look back now and see that every bruise and tear was a cobweb cleared!
Now all that remains is that constant battle but yet no fear!
I am miss passionate contradiction and it makes me …me!
A mix of strength and weakness shaped with soft curves and hard stares!
I have embraced me and mending them quite well!
A constant blend,
Where the sea meets the sand
Where the sea meets the horizon …
A constant flow!

Margarita

A sugar rimmed margarita on the rocks
Had me traveling down memory lane
Filled with bullshit and lies, laughters and tears
But also reminded me of the many lessons I learned
Reminded me that I am me no matter who I am
with or what is going on around me,
The me I thought I lost with all the
pain yet my Phoenix rises time and time again
I return a polished me but still me!
A me with a sugar rimmed margarita on the rocks!
She is not my favorite  but she will do!
She will do the job of relieving the
stress that this version of me comes with,
She will provide the humor that
becomes necessary to suppress the anger and tears!
Oh Margarita! Oh margarita!
 substitute to so many yet just what I needed tonight!
I reminisce on those innocent moments 

that I wish I could travel back to and warn you maybe even encourage you
Because I realize that the pieces of me that I miss the most

were washed away with the memories but the mold that remains constant,

the me that is and will always be, is the same me that was
Before my sugar rimmed margarita on the rocks!

Love…is it?

I have fallen in love a time or two
But sometimes I wonder if it was ever true love
Because what exactly is true love?
I love chocolate because it tastes oh so good and it makes me feel so happy…
Is that true love?
I love to listen to music and loose myself in its essence and give way to a free me
Is that true love?
I love characters in the books I read and I cry for them and feel for them and hope and pray that as the pages turn everything works out
Is that true love?
I love to lay in the beach and let the sun bronze my skin ever so kindly
Is that true love?
I love to see my favorite team win a victory in the last second leaving the fans in awe
Is that true love?
I have felt the butterflies in my stomach, the sleepless nights, the erratic heartbeats, the electrifying sensation on my skin, the intoxicating scent of someone near…
The idiotic sense of protection, the stupefied notion of grandeur, the moronic idea of forever, the sad characteristic of always giving!
Is that true love?
I have fallen in love a time or two…or have I?