I toss and turn with memories of what use to be
Episodes captured in dreams
A happiness that only exists in those brief moments
For the morning comes
And a mask comes on
And the worries of the world fade away
Longing for those moments captured in memory
Trapped in the thin membrane in your head
Relive every second
Savor every flavor
Touch every inch
But when the eyelids part
It’s back to a reality that I don’t want to be in
A black and white film that I am trapped in
That I only escape when my head hits the pillow
Reminisce every single second
Let me live in my memories where everything shines so bright
With my eyes closed and my troubles so light
For it seems these moments I try to capture don’t compare to those dreamt at night
When I was a little girl I had all sorts of diaries where my every thought process would be on paper
I would make sense of all my feelings my emotions my actions on paper
I don’t know why I stopped or how I did when my room was filled with them
I couldn’t go anywhere without a notebook with me
I wouldn’t let anyone know my thoughts my feelings
Because they were mine and my little notebooks
And today I sit here and wonder why did I ever stop?
Why did I begin to trust people around me?
Why share what was meant for me myself and I?
People use what they know to hurt you.
Sometimes I wonder why I have this innate desire to help people,
This inexplicable desire to save the world
But I always end up giving too much
I always end up caring to much
I always end up hurt
Because as much as I can understand the world around me,
No one understands me
And maybe that’s my doing
And maybe it’s not
But I wonder why I stopped writing?
I believe in fairytale love
With all it’s twists and turns
All the obstacles
But a love so strong that can surpass them all
To yearn for someone above anyone else
To fight for each other
To support each other
Filled with butterflies
Filled with crooning birds
I believe that love can take it all
Can fight it all
Can give you hope when you have nothing else
Give u strength where there seems to be none
I am not naive to know that the fairytale love doesn’t just happen
And when it does happen it’s a once in a lifetime type of story
That authors capture in ink for the world to read
For time to cherish!
Loving someone is easy
Making it work thru all that life throws our way is the hardest
Believing that thru it all the magic is worth it
Wake up every morning grateful for the smile that person brings with just a simple thought that travels thru the distance
I believe In believe in one person
Opening your heart to that one person who you think you meet by chance but changes your life forever
Call me traditional
Call me old fashioned
I believe in standing by your partner
Be their fighter and their confidante
Truly be their other half
Balance each other out
Because I believe in the fairy tale love stories!
I wish I could convince you,
Convince you once and for all…
I am yours!
Make you believe the vision of you and me,
Erase all your fears,
Shine light in all those dark corners,
But my words won’t change you…
They are not suppose to!
I can only be me
Stand behind …yes behind…
I don’t need the glory,
I don’t need the spotlight,
That’s all yours
But I will be hiding in the shadows
Caring for you
Applauding your every success
Wiping away any tears
Because You fill me with joy and strength
And all I have to do is give it back to you
Be your strength when you need it
Be your joy when you can’t see it
But I can’t convince you
I can only open my heart
And accept what destiny has to give
And just be me!
In the darkest hour
There is always a sliver of light
That finds it’s way thru the smallest of crevices
Light that refuses to be ignored
It shimmers and glimmers
Until it’s acknowledged
Casts shadows in dark corners
To expose it’s secrets to the world
Stands out no matter the size
For it’s power is grande and beautiful
No matter how small it may be
Expectations lead to heartache and pain
Believing things are “supposed to be” a certain way as well
Becoming “use to” things or people can lead to such misunderstandings
I am guilty of following unhealthy patterns that I knowingly followed praying and believing that this time just maybe this time it would work and yeah each time I fell a little deeper in my delusions only to find the same outcome.
But you become so use to the abuse and the pattern that you defend it you accept you even embrace.
You become immune and blind to the fact that things are not right that this is not suppose to happen.
Your holding on to dear life for the expectation of what you have in your head and time and time again it hurts just a little deeper but since you already know how it feels, here you go again!
I decided a while back that I was going to break my patterns and identify them the minute I saw them because the reality is the hardest part, the actual accepting that “here we go again” moment.
Breaking patterns that have been embedded in me from the moment I have had sense of reason because it because it became normal!
The hardest part is the expectations of yourself…the low and highs!
Embracing erroneous standards that you hold yourself up to, placing barriers where there shouldn’t be none, putting others in pedestals before yourself!
I mentally chained myself to “standards” “expectations” “should be” when I allowed others to dictate what my life was and how it should be,
I am human I make mistakes but my biggest mistake was placing power in others to tell me how to run mine how to love mine how to make mine!
Because ITS MINE!
I say what’s right and wrong for me because I KNOW what’s right and wrong FOR ME!
So in the past year I have crossed 5 things off my bucket list and I loved each and every one of them!
And looking at my list I realize that it consists of a lot of travelling and of course sports!! It wouldn’t be me otherwise!
I think it’s about that time to check and double check my bucket list and see where this upcoming year takes me!
1-Travelled to Jamaica for the first and definitely not the last (and loved every single second of it)
2-Road Trip to Lambeau Field (Football mecca )
3-Went to a Packers game (and of course we won and partied with my Fellow Cheeseheads)
4-Road trip to Boston for a Red Sox game at Fenway Park (I AM A YANKEE FAN BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY I AM A BASEBALL FAN!)
5-Travelled to Puerto Rico
Hmmmm where will this year take me?!
I ask and work for many more firsts…in every which way possible!
Time to make my bucket list!!!