Midnight Ramblings- Temper

My flaw my vice will forever be my temper. I have a very bad temper. I have been working on the two main aspects of my temper for most of my life. And for the first time in what seems like forever I have managed to control one of these.
My mouth vs. My hands! Constantly had a feast whenever I would loose my temper. Plenty of times I had forewarned people (leave me alone, stop talking, don’t touch me) but some people learn the hard way.
Recently I learned that what I had been working on for soooooo long finally paid off finally I saw results.
My mouth is not as bad as it use to be and I am have some slight sense of control. But my hands! I have gained victory!!!!! A battle won! Not a battle a war! Growing up when I completely lost my temper, anyone knew because I would destroy anything I got my hands on. I would rip I would tear I would break I would bit I would punch I would kick I would make you feel whatever pain or anger I was feeling at the time.
And I must say that the power of prayer is a great and amazing thing.
I have been at breaking points recently and I have not in any form or fashion destroyed anything touched anything …I have barely spoken directly to the source.
Moments of prayer and meditation have provided me with control over my emotions. And allowed me to reach a point where I can decide which way to go or what to do without my temper and anger dictating for me.
That flare will always be there it’s a part of me! It’s the part of me that allowed me to survive when I had nothing else. But I am not there anymore, I don’t need to keep fighting and guarding and protecting. Things have shifted.
So a toast to my beautiful flaw that stays inside my head while I close my eyes and pray.

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Expectations

Expectations can destroy everything around us
Expectations that we place on ourselves and on others
Expectations for our lives and our careers
Expectations on those that surround us
Expectations are ideals build on measure of others
Expectations are limitations created for security
But all expectations do is create disappointment
Disappointment when you don’t reach a level in your life that you expected to
Disappointment when someone you expect to be there is not there
Disappointment when your career takes a complete different then you ever expected
Disappointment when life doesn’t pan out the way you expected

I cry and hurt when I expect things to happen in a certain way or expect certain people to be a certain way or act a certain way
I try my best not to live by expectations, limitations or boundaries
I try my best to make my goals actual goals and not expectations, allowing the room to change and grow as I change and grow as those around me change and grow
Life has a way of bending and twisting us to it’s mercy and living by expectations can break us can make us prisoners of everyone else’s expectations
I choose to be free

Ramblings-Life

Life life life
Has no way of preparing u
There is no crystal ball
U have to continuously roll with the punches
School has no way of training u for the lessons to come
It’s not a kiddie book filled with happily ever afters
It’s a rocky road that u repeatedly work to move forward
Where u constantly fall and crawl and bruise and hurt but push to get up again
Life life life
It’s not forever
It’s each and every moment
It’s the tears and the pain
Ur never really ready for what tomorrow brings
Ur never prepared for the deception and lies
Life life life
Stories written with blood and sweat with sacrifices and pain
Roller coaster rides of happy and sad
Where we understand that those rare and fews must be cherished and respected

Let time be the judge of us!

I am not perfect but I’ll be true
I will hold you when it all seems to crumble
I will make you proud with the choices I make
I don’t need money and gifts
I need your support and your care
I will move mountains to help your dreams come true
Because I know you are there
Helping me believe in mine

I know we have been here before
Promises filled with bubble gum dreams
I don’t know what tomorrow brings
Or what life may throw our way
But I do know that I choose you
That I stand by you
That I wait for you
That I want to see what this road with you feels like

That saying I like you has nothing to do with your beautiful smile and soft skin,
It has more to do with the love, drive and passion behind your every move
Your soft nature hidden behind a tough demeanor
Your warmth and protection
Your brain, your ability to reason and plan, your words and your thoughts
It all makes me feel like a giddy school girl!

Sometimes I let my temper speak for my insecurities
Sometimes I let my fears act for my pain
For these I apologize in advance
But I don’t apologize
For always being loyal
For always being true
For always being honest

Let time be the judge of us!

Unexpected

Hurricanes that silently brew
Tornadoes that form in secret
That’s what we were made to withstand
Never comfortable never sleeping
At constant attention to everything that surrounds us

Butterflies that come to bloom in the rising of spring
Sensations that awaken in the darkest corners
You and me!
The hidden beauty the hidden talent
That surprises the world

Masterpieces created from simple nothings
Best sellers from mere words in the mind of an unknown
Let that be you let that be me!
The underdog that steals the day

Be the unexpected surprise
Be bold be persistent
Be the storm that takes it all
Be the Phoenix that rises above the ashes

Midnight Ramblings-truth and honesty

I pride myself in truth and honesty!
I rather stay quiet then to lie…
sometimes I tell the truth in such a way that people take it as I am joking but I am far from it.
Being honest with others is not hard, it comes naturally!
Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to because I have no problem answering!
The hardest person to honest to is yourself! Allow yourself to truly feel what you don’t want to feel or what ur avoiding! Opening up your eyes to the realities that surround you!
Being honest with yourself is sometimes having to torture yourself into seeing things you don’t want to see into listening to things you just don’t want to!
It’s hard to be honest with yourself when your rebellious nature makes you determined to believe what you want to believe, when that streak in you says no you got this!
Because that grasp in honest makes you believe in forces other than yourself! Makes you believe in all the good the world has to offer!
Because the truth is I am not as dark and sinister as I have convinced some,
I seek truth
I believe people change, not that I change them but that people can change if they choose to and there is always a choice.
I believe you can truly be anything you choose to be because we were made in a perfect image!
I believe that we create the world around us!
But we must be true and honest with others and ourselves in order to make our world exactly as we want it!

Random thoughts-Always watching

I love to people watch!
Just study them
And most think that I am consumed in my own little world to know that I am paying attention that I am watching
I can sit at a bar for hours and watch different people watch them interact
Lol makes me sound like a stalker but I am really not
I just like paying attention to my surroundings plus human beings fascinate me
The way people behave the silent communication the pretenses
I want to know everyone’s story
What makes them tick what makes them go what drives them
Sitting in a NYC train for 15 minutes can give you all sorts of stories if you just pay attention
It’s filled with a diversity of faces from all sorts of backgrounds and beliefs
How great it would be to know their stories