Young eyes and that window sill
Where all the kids played outside and I sat here
Where the world passed by and I sat here
I saw the time pass by
And my neighbors change
Saw the world change around me
But I just sat here
I wasn’t allowed to go outside
For fear of corruption and destruction
My mom always said you are who you spend time with
But the thing was I didn’t spend time with nobody
So who was I suppose to be
The mixture of the calypso and merengue sounds I heard thru my window sill?
The juncture of black and white that passed in front of my window sill?
The words of my many books that let me escape to an outside world I wasn’t allowed to visit?
I learned the words and learned the moves
Because I had no one else but me
But that window sill always called me
And in the middle of the night
At the first star that I would see
I would beg and plead for someone to play with me and He gave me three
Fear is a powerful thing
It can motivate you to move forward
Or hold you back from all the wonderful things you can imagine but somehow can’t accept into reality
Fear of the unknown
Fear of the reality
We get used to so much pain
We get used to living without
We get used to living with the bare essentials
Suddenly all the hard work all the hustle and bustle all the rights and wrongs
Lead you to the one place where you always imagined to be
And yet the one thing that holds you back, has you running in circles
Everybody wears Gucci and Prada
Everybody wants to be somebody
They loose themselves in idea of recreating themselves
And in creating and recreating
They become clones of their surroundings
Same talk same walk
Same clothes same thought
Machines in a warfare of one
Constantly weighing themselves on values of another
Never knowing what their true worth could possibly be
This is not a one note musical
This is a symphony
With all it’s highs and lows
Pauses and crescendos
All in one
Maybe I am a little jaded but I have a huge pet peeve …people that say I love you like it’s nothing!
Some people say I love you so lightly like it doesn’t mean anything.
And yes there are two types of love: one in which you can have love for someone and say I love you or two when your in love with someone and guess what you say I love you as well.
But recently it’s become a fad a trend where everyone loves each other where the word love has no meaning holds no weight. People forget the implications of what loving someone means what it entails. Some people say I love you in order to get things from other people.
Call me jaded but I rarely say I love you! There are a rare and few that have ever heard I love you from me because for me to say it I have to mean it.
Words hold weight and the word love holds the most weight. It can change everything in someone’s life, it can give purpose and meaning. But if the word has no value it can destroy and again change someone’s life.
It’s true we don’t decide who we love and why we love them, it just happens.
And when you do sharing with the one you love that you love them is wonderful but it’s even more wonderful if it’s reciprocated.
Some people are in love with the idea of love and throw the word love around so carelessly.
I believe that once you love someone you always love them no matter the hurt and the pain. On the contrary because there was once this immense love all that is left is room for the hurt and pain. I believe love changes, hence the reason why the love keeps on.
Love varies. There is a love for family and a love for friend. Then there is this ever consuming love for another human being that fills your every fiber your very being where you give yourself unconditionally and free. You give yourself innocently once and if your lucky that’s enough but for most of us with that innocence with that blind faith comes heartache and you learn that love is more than just a word that you throw around, it’s more than 4 letters.
The speaking of love, the acting of loving someone is something that is passionate contradiction because your a prisoner to it but are free to with it as you wish but with those choices you must keep in mind the person that you love that when you acknowledged you loved them you were to show them love.
It drives me crazy when people use the phrase I love you so carelessly and so freely! Then again maybe I am a little scarred and hold my love close to my chest because my love is mine and mine alone to give!
I am not a secret
To be kept between 4 walls
I am not a fantasy
To be shared in the wee of the night
I don’t need protecting
I don’t no one to provide for me
I need a friend
That will care for me
I need a partner
That will be proud to call me his own
Then again I don’t need a thing
I don’t need to prove myself
To anyone but me
Life may have rolled me a few punches
That have sharpened my edges
Put pressure to make me more than a mere rock
I have learned many lessons
Cried many tears
And it’s about that time
Where the dust settles
And I see the precious diamond
I was meant to be
So the only need I have
Is for you to value me
Because believe me
There is no other like me
Nights like tonight,
Where my past seems to be in every step I take
Where faces that were so long ago
Suddenly appear out of the blue
Full of questions and pleasantries,
I remember to take a deep breath
And I am forced to rapidly relive hurtful moments splashed with tid bits of happy
I am forced to fake a smile
While my mind races
Because no one knows the dark corners of hell I once visited
The shattered pieces that I tried to put together,
But the pieces that never fit like it once did
Because even though my name remains my name and my face remains my face,
I am not who I was a lifetime ago
Innocence no longer exists
Walls were built and fortified
But within the seconds that seem a lifetime
I manage a hello and good bye…
No more words than that
Because finally the scars created by the bullshit and lies have slowly been healing,
And in a million lifetimes going backwards is not an option!
Because the same person that you “say” you miss
I miss as well but she doesn’t exist anymore!
I am not her!