Dear Grandpa…

Words never spoken that play over and over

But time has taken you from me

Wishing to hear your voice one last time

Hoping to remember all words of wisdom you tried to instill in me

But no one knows that I miss me each and every day

No one knows the regrets the guilt

How I wished we had taken the trips we so often spoken of

How I wish I could have seen you one last time and just hold your hand

Time keeps going but it feels empty without you here with me

A piece of me gone to never be filled

And all you ever wished for me was a life of happiness full of laughter and music

So many memories that I hold dear

Always standing tall for us when everyone turned their backs on us

You were stern when I needed you to be and were my confidante when I needed you to be

My one true example of what a man is suppose to be

And like you said time and time again WE were your chance at making things right


My Walls 

Long ago I taught myself to always protect myself from anybody and everybody. My walls have been strong and sturdy thru the years. Some have managed to climb over some have managed to make passage way thru but no one had managed to eliminate them all together and maybe that’s my fault. Cause I built them strong and sturdy. It was either that or be a victim and I will never be a victim no matter what life throws my way. And with building these walls I have not allowed myself the true pleasure of just being…I am always on defense. 

Life has taught me many things some of which I have chosen to not acknowledge because lessons come in positives and negatives. Pushing people away some without rhyme or reason, others held too close too long for no reason. This fort I built not only kept others away but also kept me away. Kept me close to my thoughts and my critiques and now that I want to run from them, they seem to be all I have. 

The rare and few that know my moves before I make them, that know my laughs and everything they mean, that know my hurt and sadness manifests to the world in extremes of laughter and entertainer with the angry lashes in between. Because what’s the use of crying in front of people that think you can handle everything or find you weak with the mere confusion of sillyness. 

The rare and few that know my thoughts 

The rare and few that know my fears 

The rare and few that truly know my loves and passions 

Now I marvel at these beautiful sturdy, thick diamond crusted walls that I created to protect myself. I smile at the few scars made in useless attempts by miniscual individuals. Shed tears for the fear of destroying the walls in preservation of self. Sighed at the thought of allowing someone to my left and someone to my right when me myself and I was all I needed to get by. But this time in order to protect myself, the walls must come down!