I can’t shake this feeling! 

I can’t shake this feeling This insane feeling of being trapped 

Trapped in an invisible box 

A box filled with lies, 

Insecurities, 

Darkness, 

Hopelessness 

Every turn covered in traumatic emotions 

Crippling experiences 
And we fake bubble gum dreams 

And we fake fairy tales that we continuously tell 

And for every rainbow 

There were blood, sweat and tears 
Death filled days 

That succumb our every emotion 

That shatter our glitter filled stories 
So how can I shake this feeling of doom? 

Oh sweet poison

Let the warm scotch warm my veins Pause My broken heart 

Fill the void of my thoughts 

Invigorate my inner voice 

Numb all emotions and feelings 

Oh sweet poison 

Take me away from this place 

Let me dream of days gone by 

Of days I wish I had

Oh sweet poison 

Erase the pain of my memories 

Breathe life into my shattered soul 

Let my body sway to the rhythm circulating within 

Let my heart beat to the pulses of your brown skin 

Dear old scotch be my friend tonight 

When voices go unheard and people unseen 

Happy 

In search for happy I found a path full of tears and pains 

A path no one speaks of 

Because happy is not a bubble gum filled rainbow 

but a desolate road filled with strange sounds

Tested and tried is happy 

That is only shared with the rare and few 

For happy is a word known to all but rarely ever seen 

With tear stricken faces I smile and feel my heart filled with happy 

A time or two 

I have given my heart a time or two 

I believed in fairytales and bubble gum dreams

That love changes everything 

That love makes things better 

All the love songs and poems 

All the letters and sayings 

Believed with every fiber of my being 

That this thing called love 

Was the most amazing feeling 

And in time I learned the harsh reality 

Loving someone comes with the specific instructions of giving your all and knowing that the person can destroy you at any point in time 

Loving someone is knowing that they don’t have to love you back and allowing them to free 

Loving someone is wishing them the best even when they deserve the worst 

Loving someone means always having that persons interest in mind and putting their needs and wants in high priority 

So this thing called love that everyone writes songs and stories about 

This feeling that exposes every insecurity every desire 

Consumes your very soul 

And when you finally decide to use your brain and shut off any emotions and feelings 

You wake up one morning and find that  Sir Love lives in your heart breathes thru your lungs 

Because as much as you don’t want to feel the roller coaster ride of emotions or feel exposed to the one person that can hurt you 

Here you stand with your heart racing and blood thumping at the mere sound of his voice 

And you feel like a stupid teenage girl 

And there comes the hurt and pain 

Cleansed by tears and laughter 

But this time you can’t seem to let go 

You can’t walk away 

Because this time something is different 

And it’s not something that can really be explained with words 

A scary sensation of belonging yet knowing you deserve so much more than the pain 

And the one that is suppose to be right there is the same one that ripped bandages and scars 

I have given my heart a time or two 

But never felt like I belonged 

Why I shouldn’t have

Right when I choose to stretch out my hand,
You choose to let go
And the walls that had crumbled
Suddenly found their way up again.
And the scars that seemed to disappear,
Now burned with roots so deep!

I lay here thinking of the could haves and have nots…
Caught in between hurt and anger,
Emotions felt towards none other than myself
For allowing myself to believe, to want, to care…
Hope is a dreadful poison that can sway us all
Desire is a blinding side effect.

Guards not built by insecurities but of realities and truths…
Always good enough for one thing but not for another
Always great at this but never great at that.

Just as I reached out…I remembered why I shouldn’t have!

Random Thoughts of me

I’m the type to prove you wrong
Change your mind about all those crazy beliefs you have created
I’m not like anyone you have ever met or ever will meet!
I believe in the value of friendship and all it entails
I believe in being there for people you care about
I believe in actions because words fade
I am a cycle of emotions because I feel my emotions
I have learned that hiding they way you feel about things be it good or bad becomes heavy on the soul!
I speak my mind I have opinions maybe too many at times
But no one can ever say I am fake
I don’t need anyone…ANYONE!
If you are in my life I choose for you to be there!
Sometimes I forget the strength of my own will because just when I think I am done, something in me pushes me to be better than I was better!
I am human I make a million mistakes a day and as hard as it may be I can admit my wrongs and try to right them the best I can!
I rather be home reading a book then running the streets looking for trouble!
I rather get together with friends and bullshit then go club hopping!
Stages of life change!
I like being alone sometimes to clear my mind and get my thoughts and plans together
Yet sometimes I like being around people I care about because they help me reenergize!
I am tired of being compared to everyone else because I am not everyone else I AM ME!
I am true to whatever I believe in whatever I care about
I am loyal to a fault!
I become a wounded caged tiger when hurt, I lash out and push everyone away! Because when I care, it’s not a half ass gesture or feeling!
I am either all in or all out!
Relationships of all types are sacred to me!
And because we are human (some more than others) some actions and words hurt.
I have no problem cutting people completely out of my life, if the pain and hurt is just too much!
Because at the end of the day no one protects me better than me!
But I can guarantee you that while you try, try!
I will always put my best foot forward and those moment I don’t, I will be the first to admit it!
I will care as much as I can even when I say I don’t, because sometimes its easier to pretend you don’t.
I can guarantee I will always be a friend even when you are not!

Midnight Rambling-7/8/14

Writing has always been an outlet
But I don’t know what to write
I don’t know what to think
I am typing away to see
If I can possibly make sense of my emotions
There is no sense there is no reason
All I keep doing is replaying memories
All I have left are memories
Things change so fast, we are never really ready for it
I keep telling myself you can’t get comfortable
When things seem so peaceful so calm, the shoe always drops!
No I am not being negative, I am stating a fact!
As beautiful as life can be, it’s not fair!!! It’s a constant contradiction!
You have to always be ready for whatever and sometimes whatever can tear you apart!
I am tired of loosing people I love!
And yes that’s the way it works but it’s tiring!
It’s painful to see someone you love loose their heart and know that nothing you do will make them feel better. And because you love them you feel their pain their anguish and know that there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to change how they are feeling.