Don’t know why I keep thinking so much
Worrying about things I can’t control
Scared to death of the emotions deep inside
Because I’m so used to being hurt and left behind
Great at hiding the dark parts of my soul with exaggerated laughters and dramatic angers
Assuring no one sees the tears full of insecurities
Nods of emotions embedded so long ago that letting go is such a puzzle
When feeling happy is weighed down with the nagging feeling of your past
A past that sneaks it’s ugly claws in the moment you swear you have it all figured out
Smooth edges hardened thru the years of pushing back of fighting back
Never needing anything but the pages of my books taking me away from the reality in which I lived
Busted my ass to move forward and up away from it all
But buried in the moments of memories rooted in my soul are the never ending disappointments by those that claimed they loved me by a society that continuously wanted to weigh me down by a culture that trapped me and boxed me
I think so much of things that should be buried
But they rise from the dead when my heart hurts and my silent cries fill my bed reminding me that I should be used to them by now
Fear is a powerful thing
It can motivate you to move forward
Or hold you back from all the wonderful things you can imagine but somehow can’t accept into reality
Fear of the unknown
Fear of the reality
We get used to so much pain
We get used to living without
We get used to living with the bare essentials
Suddenly all the hard work all the hustle and bustle all the rights and wrongs
Lead you to the one place where you always imagined to be
And yet the one thing that holds you back, has you running in circles
I promise to be different!
I promise to be me!
I promise not to let anyone direct my movie!
I promise to love unconditionally and insanely!
I promise to be true to those that always have my best interest at heart to those that love me unconditionally to those that I cherish!
I promise to care for myself because my body is my temple and nobody can take care of me the way I take care of me!
I promise to always be honest especially with myself!
I promise to not let hurt and pain change me!
I promise to seek knowledge every chance I get!
I promise to live, to treasure every moment as if they were my last as if tomorrow never existed!
I promise to fulfill those desires that continuously motivate me!
I promise to show my feelings, not emotions, to let people know I care even when they could care less!
I promise to stand firm against adversity!
I promise to remain loyal to my beliefs and my standards!
I promise to create a story that those to come would be proud of!
But must importantly if I break any of these promises, I promise to keep trying time and time again!
Writing has always been an outlet
But I don’t know what to write
I don’t know what to think
I am typing away to see
If I can possibly make sense of my emotions
There is no sense there is no reason
All I keep doing is replaying memories
All I have left are memories
Things change so fast, we are never really ready for it
I keep telling myself you can’t get comfortable
When things seem so peaceful so calm, the shoe always drops!
No I am not being negative, I am stating a fact!
As beautiful as life can be, it’s not fair!!! It’s a constant contradiction!
You have to always be ready for whatever and sometimes whatever can tear you apart!
I am tired of loosing people I love!
And yes that’s the way it works but it’s tiring!
It’s painful to see someone you love loose their heart and know that nothing you do will make them feel better. And because you love them you feel their pain their anguish and know that there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to change how they are feeling.
U say that’s it unconditional
But its always been conditional to ur rules and ur moods
U say it’s everlasting
But u constantly put constraints
U say u will always be there
But when I need u most ur nowhere
And it’s not that I need u to care
It’s more that I want u to care
Ur lessons, ur words, ur thoughts
Have shaped me
Whether I agree or not
But I am who I am today because of u
U constantly see my flaws
Can u see my strengths?
U constantly see my anger
Can u see my happy?
U judge my ways
Can u congratulate my persistence?
I shame ur name with my mouth
Can u see how I defend and fight for u?
Can u appease the little girl in me that all she needs is a hug?
Can u soothe the teenager in me that needs an “I love you” every now and then?
Can you guide the young adult in me that needs some tough love?
Can you respect the adult I have become?
And she sat and she let the tears fall
Let them fall for all the hurt for all the pain for all lies for all the truths
Her essence poured down her face
Her youth her hopes her dreams her desires
She searched for answers in the four walls that surrounded her
As if words would appear that would soothe the broken spirit
Broken beyond repair it seemed because these tears that kept falling didn’t seem to patch the open scars that filled her soul
She closed her eyes to escape to the memories that haunted her days and nights
Vividly remembered with the taste left on her lips, with the tingling sensation from the tip of her toe that travelled its way thru every nerve every spasm til it reached her head and a slow moan formed on her lips
She swam in masochistic rollercoaster emotions that seemed never ending