Late Night Thoughts 

Don’t know why I keep thinking so much 

Worrying about things I can’t control 

Scared to death of the emotions deep inside 

Because I’m so used to being hurt and left behind 

Great at hiding the dark parts of my soul with exaggerated laughters and dramatic angers 

Assuring no one sees the tears full of insecurities 

Nods of emotions embedded so long ago that letting go is such a puzzle 

When feeling happy is weighed down with the nagging feeling of your past 

A past that sneaks it’s ugly claws in the moment you swear you have it all figured out 

Smooth edges hardened thru the years of pushing back of fighting back 

Never needing anything but the pages of my books taking me away from the reality in which I lived 

Busted my ass to move forward and up away from it all 

But buried in the moments of memories rooted in my soul are the never ending disappointments by those that claimed they loved me by a society that continuously wanted to weigh me down by a culture that trapped me and boxed me 

I think so much of things that should be buried 

But they rise from the dead when my heart hurts and my silent cries fill my bed reminding me that I should be used to them by now

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My problem….

Maybe my problem is I care too much 
Maybe my problem is I don’t care at all 
It’s always a problem 
I don’t have a problem with being alone 
But I do have a problem with feeling lonely 
I don’t have a problem with speaking my mind 
But I do have a problem with saying too much 
I trust too easy 
I give too much 
I love hard 
And I hate harder 
I can give my all 
I can give nothing 
I can face the world and it’s problems head on 
But I have a problem 
The same force that propels me forward is the same force that builds fear in me 
My problem is not what they say is what they feel 
My problem is not what they think is what they don’t think 
I was built to stand alone on my own two feet 
But my problem is I don’t want to 
It’s a contradiction this world of mine 
A constant struggle to find balance where balance doesn’t exist 
My problem is that hurt runs deep and the love runs deeper 
My problem is that there is so much too say but so little that it can change 
My problem is that I don’t have nothing else to say and that kills me 
My problem is my past 
My problem is my future 
It’s fantasies created in childhood dreams 
It’s dreams built on sweat and tears 
My problem is my temper that fuels the bullets that spray from my mouth shaped as words and phrases 
My problem is no problem at all 
When I can just be …just be me! 

Late Night Thoughts-Fear

Fear is a powerful thing
It can motivate you to move forward
Or hold you back from all the wonderful things you can imagine but somehow can’t accept into reality
Fear of the unknown
Fear of the reality

We get used to so much pain
We get used to living without
We get used to living with the bare essentials

Suddenly all the hard work all the hustle and bustle all the rights and wrongs
Lead you to the one place where you always imagined to be
And yet the one thing that holds you back, has you running in circles
Is fear!!!

I promise!

I promise to be different!

I promise to be me!

I promise not to let anyone direct my movie!

I promise to love unconditionally and insanely!

I promise to be true to those that always have my best interest at heart to those that love me unconditionally to those that I cherish!

I promise to care for myself because my body is my temple and nobody can take care of me the way I take care of me!

I promise to always be honest especially with myself!

I promise to not let hurt and pain change me!

I promise to seek knowledge every chance I get!

I promise to live, to treasure every moment as if they were my last as if tomorrow never existed!

I promise to fulfill those desires that continuously motivate me!

I promise to show my feelings, not emotions, to let people know I care even when they could care less!

I promise to stand firm against adversity!

I promise to remain loyal to my beliefs and my standards!

I promise to create a story that those to come would be proud of!

But must importantly if I break any of these promises, I promise to keep trying time and time again!

Midnight Rambling-7/8/14

Writing has always been an outlet
But I don’t know what to write
I don’t know what to think
I am typing away to see
If I can possibly make sense of my emotions
There is no sense there is no reason
All I keep doing is replaying memories
All I have left are memories
Things change so fast, we are never really ready for it
I keep telling myself you can’t get comfortable
When things seem so peaceful so calm, the shoe always drops!
No I am not being negative, I am stating a fact!
As beautiful as life can be, it’s not fair!!! It’s a constant contradiction!
You have to always be ready for whatever and sometimes whatever can tear you apart!
I am tired of loosing people I love!
And yes that’s the way it works but it’s tiring!
It’s painful to see someone you love loose their heart and know that nothing you do will make them feel better. And because you love them you feel their pain their anguish and know that there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to change how they are feeling.

Can u?

U say that’s it unconditional
But its always been conditional to ur rules and ur moods
U say it’s everlasting
But u constantly put constraints
U say u will always be there
But when I need u most ur nowhere

And it’s not that I need u to care
It’s more that I want u to care
Ur lessons, ur words, ur thoughts
Have shaped me
Whether I agree or not
But I am who I am today because of u

U constantly see my flaws
Can u see my strengths?
U constantly see my anger
Can u see my happy?
U judge my ways
Can u congratulate my persistence?
I shame ur name with my mouth
Can u see how I defend and fight for u?

Can u appease the little girl in me that all she needs is a hug?
Can u soothe the teenager in me that needs an “I love you” every now and then?
Can you guide the young adult in me that needs some tough love?
Can you respect the adult I have become?

Tears

And she sat and she let the tears fall
Let them fall for all the hurt for all the pain for all lies for all the truths
Her essence poured down her face
Her youth her hopes her dreams her desires
She searched for answers in the four walls that surrounded her
As if words would appear that would soothe the broken spirit
Broken beyond repair it seemed because these tears that kept falling didn’t seem to patch the open scars that filled her soul
She closed her eyes to escape to the memories that haunted her days and nights
Vividly remembered with the taste left on her lips, with the tingling sensation from the tip of her toe that travelled its way thru every nerve every spasm til it reached her head and a slow moan formed on her lips
She swam in masochistic rollercoaster emotions that seemed never ending