Late night thoughts –running from the past 

It’s feels like I am on a fast train to the past, a past filled with pain and confusion , a past a ran from as soon as I could.

The past that shaped these deep and dark insecurities that I hide every chance I get. 

It’s as if I torture myself by being in this place in this time reliving moments that broke me that shattered me when no one was there to help me 

I had to learn how to crawl thru the shattered glass that was my soul, bandage up the pieces that I could to attempt to make a run from it and save myself 

They say you have to face your past and push thru it so that you can let it go and I wonder if this is what I am doing now? Living thru this moment, pushing thru the tears and this insane urge to just run as far away as possible!! 

My problem….

Maybe my problem is I care too much 
Maybe my problem is I don’t care at all 
It’s always a problem 
I don’t have a problem with being alone 
But I do have a problem with feeling lonely 
I don’t have a problem with speaking my mind 
But I do have a problem with saying too much 
I trust too easy 
I give too much 
I love hard 
And I hate harder 
I can give my all 
I can give nothing 
I can face the world and it’s problems head on 
But I have a problem 
The same force that propels me forward is the same force that builds fear in me 
My problem is not what they say is what they feel 
My problem is not what they think is what they don’t think 
I was built to stand alone on my own two feet 
But my problem is I don’t want to 
It’s a contradiction this world of mine 
A constant struggle to find balance where balance doesn’t exist 
My problem is that hurt runs deep and the love runs deeper 
My problem is that there is so much too say but so little that it can change 
My problem is that I don’t have nothing else to say and that kills me 
My problem is my past 
My problem is my future 
It’s fantasies created in childhood dreams 
It’s dreams built on sweat and tears 
My problem is my temper that fuels the bullets that spray from my mouth shaped as words and phrases 
My problem is no problem at all 
When I can just be …just be me! 

MidnightRambling-Blast from the Past

Nights like tonight,
Where my past seems to be in every step I take
Where faces that were so long ago
Suddenly appear out of the blue
Full of questions and pleasantries,
I remember to take a deep breath
And I am forced to rapidly relive hurtful moments splashed with tid bits of happy
I am forced to fake a smile
While my mind races
Because no one knows the dark corners of hell I once visited
The shattered pieces that I tried to put together,
But the pieces that never fit like it once did
Because even though my name remains my name and my face remains my face,
I am not who I was a lifetime ago
Innocence no longer exists
Walls were built and fortified
But within the seconds that seem a lifetime
I manage a hello and good bye…
No more words than that
Because finally the scars created by the bullshit and lies have slowly been healing,
And in a million lifetimes going backwards is not an option!
Because the same person that you “say” you miss
I miss as well but she doesn’t exist anymore!
I am not her!
Good Bye!

Late night reflections

In order to be grateful for what we have, sometimes we have to take a step back and look back and see how far you have come.
I guess today was my day!
Life has not been the easiest and yes they could have been worst but for the bads that we had they left their bruises and scars. And sometimes we don’t realize what they are because what becomes normal is not really normal but just a way to survive!
Boy have I survived!
I have lived thru things that if you didn’t experience with me, you won’t know about it because I refuse to talk about them. Things that have made me a but rougher a bit tougher very much the survivor the fighter and while at times there is no hope, full of hopes and dreams not just for myself but everyone around me.
I realize that as jaded as I am, I have never lost the idea that everyone has something good in them, that everyone deserves a chance because God knows if I would have been judged based on some actions, I would have never had a chance to grow as a human being as an individual!
Despite the insecurities despite the abuse despite the darkest days, some how some way I have always managed to if needed crawl my way to picking myself up and attempting to build for myself.
Experience taught me at an early age to fend for myself in every way possible! Anything and everything I want I have to work for because nothing is given for free.
I have never expected hand downs or gifts!
I am loyal to a fault at times!
It’s not about those around me, it’s about me and what I perceive as right or wrong or what my spirit allows to receive.
Despite so many examples of hate and indifference that were embedded in me from very early on, I believe that love can make a difference! The love of self the love for others the love for your community the love for those to come after you the love for those before you the infinite love.
So all my life I wanted to make a difference like all those that made a difference in mine, that touched my life even if just for a second and changed something in me.
From the teacher that introduced me to the endless world of books to my first love and all the heartaches.
Today I realize that I have gone down dark holes and have come out alive, out of sheer determination and will.
I have learned very important life lessons.
But most importantly I have learned to forgive myself for all the ups and downs that I have allowed myself to get into.
Human I am and I will continue to make mistakes but I will continue to grow, always trying to be a better me than I was yesterday!

Reflections

Nothing like having someone else tell you their struggles and their blessings to put your life into perspective
Nothing like being able to help others in their journey
Grateful for being able to assist them in theirs while progressing in mine
Appreciative of those that are a part of mine in as small increments

Today I reflect on you, me on us…
I commend those that thru your struggles, thru the dark clouds remianed constants
I applaud the resilience of their persona
Because today when you look back, you can smile and say you were not alone
That one person made a difference
that one person that maybe you mistreated and abused
that one person that fought for you
that one person that held your hand even when you pushed it away

Today I give back for all those that stood by me
in my darkest moments as well as my grandest moments
I reflect on those that say all the right things but do all the wrongs ones
Reflect on those that have never said a word but continously stand by my side even when I push them away

I am here because my struggles are yours and yours are mine!