Mother 

It’s amazing how things can be embedded so deep inside of you And you forever go in search of the answers to the why 

And it’s been there all along 

Encrusted in your every being 

Made in the sound of your mothers voice 

Sounds that destroy and crumble 

Sounds that create monsters inside souls 

Insecurities fed by the words of mothers 
All the books can’t erase the scars of your words 

Not the songs memorized in my head 

Not the many nights of being inebriated 

Not the millions tears spilled through out all these years 

Not the billion fuck you and fuck the world you keep screaming out loud 
Because the words repeat over and over 

The scars deepen and darken 

The walls grow stronger, cemented by your insecurities 

Your insecurities that you assured to encrust into my soul from the minute I could crawl 
I have walked a million miles away from you 

I have written stories my stories full of chapters with nothing to do with you 

But the more I walk away from you 

The closer I get 
I vowed moons ago 

When the reality of me ever being like you 

That if ever I was blessed with being a mother

There would never be a question of love 

There would never be a bigger fan 

Queen of the jungle, protector of the pride, huntress!! 

I would build never destroy the oh so sensitive soul of my legacies! 

Advertisements

Late night thoughts –running from the past 

It’s feels like I am on a fast train to the past, a past filled with pain and confusion , a past a ran from as soon as I could.

The past that shaped these deep and dark insecurities that I hide every chance I get. 

It’s as if I torture myself by being in this place in this time reliving moments that broke me that shattered me when no one was there to help me 

I had to learn how to crawl thru the shattered glass that was my soul, bandage up the pieces that I could to attempt to make a run from it and save myself 

They say you have to face your past and push thru it so that you can let it go and I wonder if this is what I am doing now? Living thru this moment, pushing thru the tears and this insane urge to just run as far away as possible!! 

Happy 

In search for happy I found a path full of tears and pains 

A path no one speaks of 

Because happy is not a bubble gum filled rainbow 

but a desolate road filled with strange sounds

Tested and tried is happy 

That is only shared with the rare and few 

For happy is a word known to all but rarely ever seen 

With tear stricken faces I smile and feel my heart filled with happy 

My Walls 

Long ago I taught myself to always protect myself from anybody and everybody. My walls have been strong and sturdy thru the years. Some have managed to climb over some have managed to make passage way thru but no one had managed to eliminate them all together and maybe that’s my fault. Cause I built them strong and sturdy. It was either that or be a victim and I will never be a victim no matter what life throws my way. And with building these walls I have not allowed myself the true pleasure of just being…I am always on defense. 

Life has taught me many things some of which I have chosen to not acknowledge because lessons come in positives and negatives. Pushing people away some without rhyme or reason, others held too close too long for no reason. This fort I built not only kept others away but also kept me away. Kept me close to my thoughts and my critiques and now that I want to run from them, they seem to be all I have. 

The rare and few that know my moves before I make them, that know my laughs and everything they mean, that know my hurt and sadness manifests to the world in extremes of laughter and entertainer with the angry lashes in between. Because what’s the use of crying in front of people that think you can handle everything or find you weak with the mere confusion of sillyness. 

The rare and few that know my thoughts 

The rare and few that know my fears 

The rare and few that truly know my loves and passions 

Now I marvel at these beautiful sturdy, thick diamond crusted walls that I created to protect myself. I smile at the few scars made in useless attempts by miniscual individuals. Shed tears for the fear of destroying the walls in preservation of self. Sighed at the thought of allowing someone to my left and someone to my right when me myself and I was all I needed to get by. But this time in order to protect myself, the walls must come down! 

Late Night Thoughts 

Don’t know why I keep thinking so much 

Worrying about things I can’t control 

Scared to death of the emotions deep inside 

Because I’m so used to being hurt and left behind 

Great at hiding the dark parts of my soul with exaggerated laughters and dramatic angers 

Assuring no one sees the tears full of insecurities 

Nods of emotions embedded so long ago that letting go is such a puzzle 

When feeling happy is weighed down with the nagging feeling of your past 

A past that sneaks it’s ugly claws in the moment you swear you have it all figured out 

Smooth edges hardened thru the years of pushing back of fighting back 

Never needing anything but the pages of my books taking me away from the reality in which I lived 

Busted my ass to move forward and up away from it all 

But buried in the moments of memories rooted in my soul are the never ending disappointments by those that claimed they loved me by a society that continuously wanted to weigh me down by a culture that trapped me and boxed me 

I think so much of things that should be buried 

But they rise from the dead when my heart hurts and my silent cries fill my bed reminding me that I should be used to them by now

Moment in time

Walking in a trance
As music plays in the radio
As life goes on around us
We face the reality of closing a chapter
Replaying memories
And each step brings us closer to reality
Put smile on our faces
To cover the pain
Not wanting to reflect those crazy thoughts in our head
Keep busy with nonsense
So we can’t feel
How can I be strong for you when I am breaking down inside?
How can I tell you it’s going to be ok, when we both know it will never be alright?
I hold your hand and you hold mine, tears streaming down your face and in silence we sit as we let memories play in our minds
Because there is nothing I can say to make it go away and there is nothing you can do to make it all ok…
So we sit and listen to those around us trying to make you smile
Watch as your legacies walk by and know they need you now
You squeeze my and I look at you and smile
Slowly let go so I can watch them for a while!

Fairytales

Mirror mirror on the wall…

 

You have seen it all
But today what do you see?
Do you see shattered dreams?
Do you see tear streaked faces?
Do you see anything at all?
 
Who’s the fairest of them all…
 
Do you see past the fakes smiles?
Do you see past the made up faces?
Do you see past the elaborate costumes?
Fairy tales written over and over again
But these are not fairytale steps we take daily
These were the words missing from the happy ending
 
Mirror mirror on the wall…
 
Can you see the blisters and scars?
Can you feel the pressure and the pain?
Can you touch the deepest parts of these stories?

Fairytales missing soul and passion
Missing the ordeals faced before that happy ending