Late night thoughts –running from the past 

It’s feels like I am on a fast train to the past, a past filled with pain and confusion , a past a ran from as soon as I could.

The past that shaped these deep and dark insecurities that I hide every chance I get. 

It’s as if I torture myself by being in this place in this time reliving moments that broke me that shattered me when no one was there to help me 

I had to learn how to crawl thru the shattered glass that was my soul, bandage up the pieces that I could to attempt to make a run from it and save myself 

They say you have to face your past and push thru it so that you can let it go and I wonder if this is what I am doing now? Living thru this moment, pushing thru the tears and this insane urge to just run as far away as possible!! 

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It all seems grey! 

It all seems grey All shades of grey 

Insecurities of all that surrounds me 

Questioning career choices 

Debating about life choices 

All choices made by me 

Were they made out of fear? 

Or was it determination? 

Or just a bit of stubborn? 

Second guessing yourself in all you do 

It all seems grey 

All shades of grey 

The constant feeling of being a nomad 

Of never truly belonging anywhere 

The little voice inside my head constantly screaming 

It all seems grey 

All shades of grey 

No reassurance of being suffice 

No clear direction 

An up hill climb to just survive 

To just have the bare essentials 

It all seems grey 

All shades of grey 

When you know this is not you 

Where all the rain drops don’t seem like gumdrops 

When the obstacles just seem too big 

Oh sweet poison

Let the warm scotch warm my veins Pause My broken heart 

Fill the void of my thoughts 

Invigorate my inner voice 

Numb all emotions and feelings 

Oh sweet poison 

Take me away from this place 

Let me dream of days gone by 

Of days I wish I had

Oh sweet poison 

Erase the pain of my memories 

Breathe life into my shattered soul 

Let my body sway to the rhythm circulating within 

Let my heart beat to the pulses of your brown skin 

Dear old scotch be my friend tonight 

When voices go unheard and people unseen 

Growing up…nope! 

All this time rushing To be here in this place 

Being called a grown up 

And words as maturity and responsibilities 

Are constantly thrown around 

If I had known that this is what growing up consistent of 

I would have made sure to scrap my knees a few more time 

Climbed a few more trees every chance I got 

Dance a little longer 

Laughed a little harder 

Because all this wishing and praying to be an adult 

For what? 

To add on the struggles of those who raised me 

Nope I am good 

Let me be 5 and read about picture books and eat some ice cream and watch some cartoons 

A place where responsibility was washing my face and eating my dinner 

Blank screen 

Head spinning Brain throbbing 

It seems like the memories spin into real life movies 

Where every emotion replays 

Constantly from a different angle 

The tears keep burning my face as they sneak down my cheeks 

No one around 

Cause the walls are up 

All everyone sees are the colorful masks you’ve come up with 

Lipsticks and mascaras and all those silly things 

Dressed up to the tee so no one can see the pain 

When it all seems to fade 

A blank screen to be filled with nothing but whatever I desire 

A screen full of hopes and dreams 

Where the past won’t haunt me no more 

Dreams 

A million thoughts running thru my had Plans, memories all intertwined

Trying to be the best that I can possibly be 

Paving ways to what tomorrow has for me 

The ideas that over take my head 

The mistakes that make me take pause 

In a different place than I was yesterday but somehow the dreams remain the same 

How will I get to the place where I have always seen myself 

The aesthetics change but the goal remains the same 

Visions and visions of tomorrow have played for years in this head of mine 

Sometimes it feels so close 

And at times so far

Dreams that survive from heartache from fear from pain 

Dreams become chameleons attached to the soul of a little girl that was content with so little 

A little with big dreams that didn’t belong to the time and place 

Fast forward to the woman before you with the same big dreams 

My Walls 

Long ago I taught myself to always protect myself from anybody and everybody. My walls have been strong and sturdy thru the years. Some have managed to climb over some have managed to make passage way thru but no one had managed to eliminate them all together and maybe that’s my fault. Cause I built them strong and sturdy. It was either that or be a victim and I will never be a victim no matter what life throws my way. And with building these walls I have not allowed myself the true pleasure of just being…I am always on defense. 

Life has taught me many things some of which I have chosen to not acknowledge because lessons come in positives and negatives. Pushing people away some without rhyme or reason, others held too close too long for no reason. This fort I built not only kept others away but also kept me away. Kept me close to my thoughts and my critiques and now that I want to run from them, they seem to be all I have. 

The rare and few that know my moves before I make them, that know my laughs and everything they mean, that know my hurt and sadness manifests to the world in extremes of laughter and entertainer with the angry lashes in between. Because what’s the use of crying in front of people that think you can handle everything or find you weak with the mere confusion of sillyness. 

The rare and few that know my thoughts 

The rare and few that know my fears 

The rare and few that truly know my loves and passions 

Now I marvel at these beautiful sturdy, thick diamond crusted walls that I created to protect myself. I smile at the few scars made in useless attempts by miniscual individuals. Shed tears for the fear of destroying the walls in preservation of self. Sighed at the thought of allowing someone to my left and someone to my right when me myself and I was all I needed to get by. But this time in order to protect myself, the walls must come down!