I can’t shake this feeling! 

I can’t shake this feeling This insane feeling of being trapped 

Trapped in an invisible box 

A box filled with lies, 

Insecurities, 

Darkness, 

Hopelessness 

Every turn covered in traumatic emotions 

Crippling experiences 
And we fake bubble gum dreams 

And we fake fairy tales that we continuously tell 

And for every rainbow 

There were blood, sweat and tears 
Death filled days 

That succumb our every emotion 

That shatter our glitter filled stories 
So how can I shake this feeling of doom? 

It all seems grey! 

It all seems grey All shades of grey 

Insecurities of all that surrounds me 

Questioning career choices 

Debating about life choices 

All choices made by me 

Were they made out of fear? 

Or was it determination? 

Or just a bit of stubborn? 

Second guessing yourself in all you do 

It all seems grey 

All shades of grey 

The constant feeling of being a nomad 

Of never truly belonging anywhere 

The little voice inside my head constantly screaming 

It all seems grey 

All shades of grey 

No reassurance of being suffice 

No clear direction 

An up hill climb to just survive 

To just have the bare essentials 

It all seems grey 

All shades of grey 

When you know this is not you 

Where all the rain drops don’t seem like gumdrops 

When the obstacles just seem too big 

Here’s to…

Here’s to the dreamer in you That doesn’t know how to give up 

That thru the tears and frustrations 

Continues to fight 
Here’s to the fighter in you 

Whose tenacity propels you forward 

To places that you never even dreamed of 

Whose strength compares to no other 

Because to what some is broken to others it’s shedding dead skin 
Here’s to the believer in you 

Whose faith in self and others allows you to keep moving forward when all you see is an abyss 

Seeking for something that no one else sees 
Here’s to the lover in you 

Who continues to believe in people 

Who continues to fight for all those values that today seem unicorn like 

Who dream and achieve exactly what they are seeking 
Here’s to you 

Here’s to me 

For trying everyday to be 

Dreamers 

Believers 

Fighters 

Lovers 
Here’s for getting up every time we get knocked down 

For defying the labels and stigmas attached to every “failure” 

For pushing past the insignificant shadows and nay Sayers 

For liberating ourselves of all the dead weight 

Here’s for being human 

And erring every step of the way 

And allowing the tears to wash away the pain to be 

Dreamers 

Fighters 

Believers

Lovers 
Here’s to us! 

Happy 

In search for happy I found a path full of tears and pains 

A path no one speaks of 

Because happy is not a bubble gum filled rainbow 

but a desolate road filled with strange sounds

Tested and tried is happy 

That is only shared with the rare and few 

For happy is a word known to all but rarely ever seen 

With tear stricken faces I smile and feel my heart filled with happy 

Random thoughts of love, loyalty and friends

We live in a web of lies that we continue to tell ourselves Where simple words have no meaning 

Love, loyalty and friends don’t mean the same thing they use to mean 

The childhood veil has lifted 

Intoxicated from the reality 

I believed in fairytales but forgot how grotesque they really are not the Disney version that we all have become so accustomed to 

It all leaves a trail of bloodshed tears that others don’t seem to notice 

It hardens the heart 

And you dig to feel something other than pain and indifference where there once was as care and sensitivity 

The influx of memories that play and replay and make it so hard for that cozy feeling to ever come back 

Wondering what you ever believed in

A time or two 

I have given my heart a time or two 

I believed in fairytales and bubble gum dreams

That love changes everything 

That love makes things better 

All the love songs and poems 

All the letters and sayings 

Believed with every fiber of my being 

That this thing called love 

Was the most amazing feeling 

And in time I learned the harsh reality 

Loving someone comes with the specific instructions of giving your all and knowing that the person can destroy you at any point in time 

Loving someone is knowing that they don’t have to love you back and allowing them to free 

Loving someone is wishing them the best even when they deserve the worst 

Loving someone means always having that persons interest in mind and putting their needs and wants in high priority 

So this thing called love that everyone writes songs and stories about 

This feeling that exposes every insecurity every desire 

Consumes your very soul 

And when you finally decide to use your brain and shut off any emotions and feelings 

You wake up one morning and find that  Sir Love lives in your heart breathes thru your lungs 

Because as much as you don’t want to feel the roller coaster ride of emotions or feel exposed to the one person that can hurt you 

Here you stand with your heart racing and blood thumping at the mere sound of his voice 

And you feel like a stupid teenage girl 

And there comes the hurt and pain 

Cleansed by tears and laughter 

But this time you can’t seem to let go 

You can’t walk away 

Because this time something is different 

And it’s not something that can really be explained with words 

A scary sensation of belonging yet knowing you deserve so much more than the pain 

And the one that is suppose to be right there is the same one that ripped bandages and scars 

I have given my heart a time or two 

But never felt like I belonged 

Late night Ramblings 

Contemplating how quickly things change 

How time is not our friend 

How just yesterday things were different 

I was different 

Today I reflect on my past 358 days 

The person I was at this same very moment last year versus the person I am today 

I contemplate on the me I have become over the past 5 years 

A reflection in the mirror I don’t recognize 

A me so long gone 

A mere memory 

Lost the light in my eyes a long time ago 

I remember being so light and free 

I remember believing in so many fairy tale dreams 

I remember pushing for the unknown tomorrow’s with ideals and fantasies 

But life had a way of darkening the edges, of cutting my wings.

There was so much I wanted 

There was so much ambition 

Today seems like a constant struggle to not sit here and contemplate 

On all those decisions 

Those that I should have made 

Those that I shouldn’t have 

People I allowed in my life

People I let go 

The colors of today so diluted 

Not sure what’s black or white anymore